Oh love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Make us whole 

When it was over and they could talk about it
She said there’s just one thing I have got to know
What in that moment when you were running so hard and fast
Made you stop and turn for home
He said I always knew you loved me even though I’d broken your heart
I always knew there’d be a place for me to make a brand new start

When it was over and they could talk about it
They were sitting on the couch
She said what on earth made you stay here
When you finally figured out what I was all about
He said I always knew you’d do the right thing
Even though it might take some time
She said, Yeah, I felt that and that’s probably what saved my life

There is a love that never fails
There is a healing that always prevails
There is a hope that whispers a vow
A promise to stay while we’re working it out
So come with Your love and wash over us

I think i’m finally over the cold i’ve had for like the past couple weeks…no longer sick, but today, i was just tired.  Put 2 Earl Grey teabags in my mug this morning so my tea was extra strong; as usual no sugar–i think i’m just so used to having my tea black that I just simply can’t imagine otherwise.

Throughout the day, i was just fairly grumpy coz of my lack of sleep.  was falling as sleep during Sport Psych, first class watching a video.  and last class of the day Urban Trasportation Systems was quite boring & wouldda dozed off it i didn’t type out the lecture notes on my lappy.  i think i was most awake for my 9am class this morning, the required Professional Geographer class LOL!

Skating for CCF tonite…it was a bit warm today, but the ice @ Nathan Philips was still frozen.  it was a good breather to just skate, and skate.  …. yep;-1  ~sighs~  dinner @ Alfresco again, just had lunch there yesterday :S  some interesting convos that i chose to avoid; just didnt wanna get into talkin about such stuff…makes no difference what i think about wutever topics were talked about…i just don’t wanna talk about it.

On the ride home, had some good convos with Thaddeus & lil Miss Danielle Wong.. haven’t really talk talked with her before, and so we began sharing our stories on the long ride from Bloor to Kennedy.  Thaddeus first shared his girl-story to me (about time)…and the rest of the ride, i basically told Danielle my story,…and since it kinda ended up being a relatively long story, Danielle didn’t get a chance to tell her story yet.  We’ll save it for next Wednesday definitely…must resume where we left off.

I think it was the first time I told my ’story’ to anybody… Most of my friends know what’s been up with me, or just realize from observation & hence dont need me to tell.  I didn’t really mention names when I told Danielle, but she knew who the characters were before hand, we got that straight..and i think there was an understanding.  I don’t know, still feels un-nerving to go thru the story, from basically the beginning. it’s no happy ending, and probably a story that never really ends, but still, i guess it was good to just open up. another step towards letting all of it go & moving on.

If not now, when?  I’ve had trouble sleeping these past days…I just end up not…staying up real late/early doing God only knows what..surfing, watching some tv, watching/listening to old Passion Conference messages.  I guess i’m just avoiding dealing with it.  School’s started, things are going back on track, and I want to excel, but still i feel like there’s a black hole within me that is sucking the life out of me.  I know what it is…and i know why it literally sucks everything out of me & keeps me up early in the morning. It’s just…not dealt with, and i guess that is what bothers me.

What i think it is… is fear.  i’m scared to death right now.  i feel like my mind is just going krazy… not good crazy, but krazy stupid. like my mind is losing it, memory slips away, the faintest of all images are fading, and i do not know how to get it back, or even if such is possible.  the picture is lost, the image is vanishing from my mind…and like all my life of the past year flashes before me.  I’m lost and losing my way, in need of a rescuer, in need of a saviour. and only One can rescue and save me.

If not now, when?  what is holding me back from living?  the big part of it is the hurt and scaring I still carry.  I think i’ve barely recovered, but God knows i do want to.  i just want to move on with my life, and live.  i don’t want to be selfish in this and just be doing this for my own needs and fulfillment; nor do i want to be inconsiderate of her.  she deserves more than that.  she’s hurting from the loss of a close ‘friend’ also… i want to be fair to her and her feelings, where she is in life.  i only wish that she knew, which would make this whole process all the much easier.  where is she, and what she’s doing i do not know.  how she’s been i dont know.  but thankfully, this image is clearer.  this thing we have has been like an anchor in my life, keeping me from slipping and floating away out into the vast ocean of life.  i just want stability, devotion, undying passion.  i just want to live.

-

I’m sure we’ve all experienced what it’s like to have large amounts of time and space seperating us between our loved ones, friends or relatives/family members in distant places. It’s hard not to have that physical contact and direct voice of assurance that they are there for us.  At times, i get fairly discouraged without it–i’m a person who thrives on one-on-one communication, and if really not possible, over-the-phone talking.  Technology these days, has made it so easy to make the seperation by a million km’s feel like nothing. But Paul didn’t have what we have now; he never even met the Colossians (if i’m not mistaken; only Epaphras did). 

But still, Paul PRAYED for them–even while in jail.  He cared emmensely for his brothers and sisters in Colossae that they would sow seeds deep into the Word of God, and so be strengthened with HIS power to endure all the spiritual warfare & false teachings they were experiencing; He reminds them to keep the faith coz they have already been redeemed!

I remember reading this with my now ex-girlfriend when we first started doing a devo on Colossians together. … ..  I still see her like every week, I pass by her at school, see her at smallgroups, fellowship.  It hurts since she’s shared such a big part of my journey.  But apparently, circumstances has it that I can’t talk to her much or see her much anymore; our friendship is no longer what it was before no matter how much i want it to be / or even try. the physical distances don’t really seperate us, but still it feels like a billion kms.  i hear about her struggles and how much she’s grown recently, thru our mutual friends, or thru her blog..but it’s not the same.  I stillcare about her, in as much of a phileo & agape way as i know how, but i can only pray for her–and in this, I will never ever cease–our reconciliation, for His glory.  In our relationship not working out, I think I’ve come to realize that yeah, I wasn’t strong enuf, she wasn’t strong enuf–life turned, satan tempted us, i failed her, she failed me, it didn’t work out. We hadnt sowed that seed of the Word deep enuf into our minds & our hearts got hurt also as a result.  And so PRAYER: it’s the only thing I know how to do, and the fruit of this, the harvest of being rooted in His TRUTH, God only knows I guess…but I know God is faithful and will reconcile us soon.

I just pray and hope also, that she is praying for me.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Alex Leung
http://www.sixsteps.org

I don’t know where I’ve been, apparently stuck in my own little world of Christianity…but hearing this finally today was a major shocker.  i wonder why God would let this happen…and then i take my words back, knowing that i have no right to question the Almighty.  why not!?  Soli deo gloria.  in all things through Jesus Christ.

Please pray for Pastor John Piper…this is really hitting my heart hard. Part of me can’t believe it’s happening–Piper’s own theology & life message coming to life.

http://www.desiringgod.org/news_events/dgm_news/2006/20060106_cancer_announcement.html

January 6, 2006

Dear Friends,

I hope this letter will encourage your prayer, strengthen your hope, and minister peace. I am writing with the blessing of the Council of Elders of Bethlehem Baptist Church to help you receive the news about my prostate cancer.
 
At my annual urological exam on Wednesday, December 21, the doctor felt an abnormality in the prostate and suggested a biopsy. He called the next day with the following facts: 1) cancer cells were found in two of the ten samples and the estimate is that perhaps 5% of the gland is affected; 2) my PSA count was 1.6, which is good (below 4 is normal); 3) the Gleason score is 6 (signaling that the cancer is not aggressive). These three facts incline the doctor to think that it is unlikely that the cancer has spread beyond the prostate, and that it is possible with successful treatment to be cancer-free.
 
Before going with my wife, Noël, to consult in person with the doctor on December 29 about treatment options, I shared this news with the Bethlehem staff on Tuesday morning, December 27, and with the elders that evening. Both groups prayed over me for healing and for wisdom in the treatment choices that lie before us. These were sweet times before the throne of grace with much-loved colleagues.
 
All things considered, Noël and I believe that I should pursue the treatment called radical prostatectomy, which means the surgical removal of the prostate. We would ask you to pray that the surgery be completely successful in the removal of all cancer and freedom from possible side effects.
 
With the approval of Bethlehem’s executive staff and elder leadership, we are planning surgery in February. The recovery time is about three weeks before returning to a slow work pace, and six weeks to be back to all normal activities.
 
This news has, of course, been good for me. The most dangerous thing in the world is the sin of self-reliance and the stupor of worldliness. The news of cancer has a wonderfully blasting effect on both. I thank God for that. The times with Christ in these days have been unusually sweet.
 
For example, is there anything greater to hear and believe in the bottom of your heart than this: “God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him” (1 Thessalonians 5:9-10)?

God has designed this trial for my good and for your good. You can see this in 2 Corinthians 1:9, “Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” And in 2 Corinthians 1:4-6, “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God . . . If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation.”

So I am praying: “Lord, for your great glory, 1) don’t let me miss any of the sanctifying blessings that you have for me in this experience; 2) don’t let the people of Bethlehem miss any of the sanctifying blessings that you have for us in this; 3) grant that the surgery be successful in removing cancer and sparing important nerves; 4) grant that this light and momentary trial would work to spread a passion for you supremacy for the joy of all peoples through Jesus Christ; 5) may Noël and all close to me be given great peace—and all of this through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever, Amen.” I hope God will lead you to pray in a similar way.

With deep confidence that

“Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting.
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
1 Corinthians 15:54-57

Pastor John

Lately, I guess at least this past whole week since 2006 started and even during Passion06–I’ve been thinking about what on earth went wrong last term, to have my School marks drop like hiroshima & my spiritual life sink to Death Valley, to have my hope faith and trust in God’s unfailing love shaken…like what on in the world do I need in life to hold things together again….what on earth are we missing? 

I tried not to carry my baggage and burdens to Nashville (OH the irony of this phrase), and boy, I guess I really left it in Toronto (or at least Chicago).   And what i’ve come to realize after Passion06 is simply my need for Christ to be in the heart of everything I am–in the centre of my life, in your life, in our lives.  I mean, He’s in our lives definitely, but the thing is, although He is resident–He isn’t president.  He’s not central, primary, above all else, supreme, #1, in control, in the center, the core reason and purpose for all that i say and do.

So much of my life has been bogged down by lust, materialism, greed, pride, self-centeredness, that even in the midst of my supposed worship of God–I’ve held back & kept for myself so much of the “things of this world” that made me happy, that satisfied my earthly self… ALL of which made me even more thirsty for more, and actually did not make me any more satisfied with life.  In essence, it can be said that I had not fully embraced surrender.  And so, this new song written by Charlie Hall and Matt Redman has really help me put words what I’ve been meaning to say to Jesus, and voice to the Father what my heart has been yearning to cry:

Christ be the center of our lives, be the place we fix our eyes–
be the center of our lives.

You’re the center of the universe, everything was made in You, Jesus.
Breath of every living thing, everyone was made for You.
You hold everything together, You hold everything together…

We lift our eyes to heaven, we wrap our lives around Your life–
we lift our eyes to heaven to You.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
in the light of His glory and grace.

The one song that has always made me cry, until i was called a hypocrite for not living it out, was Tomlin/Giglio’s “Enough”.  I know I’m gonna fail miserably at trying to be obedient to God, so here’s to surrender & dying to self trying and self power and the year’s journey towards surrender.  serious.   …I’ve been searching for a new expression of that lately, and i think i’ve found it it, a song and melody of the same theme that would allow me to express and confess to God the only thing I truly desire, it’s a new song i found at Passion06 by Charlie that describes the one thing that i want more than any earthly thing or person or relationship or pleasure:

Rich or poor, God I want you more
than anything that glitters in this world;
Be my all, all-consuming fire!

You can have all my hands can hold,
my heart mind strength and soul;
Be my all, all-consuming fire!

Coz we have all we need in You; All we need is You–
All we need is You!

So, i dunno if i’m finished this process of figuring out “New Year’s resolution” yet, and really, if i were to stick to the TRUE definition of a resolution (”the state/quality of being resolute; firm determination”, or “a resolving to do something”, or “course of action determined or decided on”), the above is the core of it.  and the one thing that still haunts my life existence, my 2006 resolution, …it’s like the main branch of this core resolution.  i think i’ve called it reconciliation, but whatever label it’s got, i’ll be sure to post here once this is accomplished.

And I’ll be sure it will be resolved before I die.  coz definitely, I know Heaven’s doorkeeper’s (including mighty little Seraph) won’t let me in until this is resolved.

“You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you.
Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”  (Colossians 3:13, NLT)

EDIT: ok, i was just thinking about this “New Year Resolution” thing, and was all about to decide it once and for all–to go to ALL of my classes the rest of this school year and NOT skip a single class–but thanx for Princess, i wont be setting myself up for this big fall….coz u know it is quite impossible to go to all–every single one of my classes LOL! At least this way, God wont be disappointed