So here’s what happened.. or didn’t happen.  didn’t make the call, and there was no incoming either.  Missed the open window on Mon night…feel really stupid, and wussy to have let that immediate door close:S  Oh well, better late than too late…the ball’s already rolling, so gotta take what I can get.

Hmm, I feel young again :)  This whole process, thinking and praying and contemplating…brings back a freshness to my hair-greying old self–there is time yet, for me to feel young!  LOL…really, i’m not that old!

Anywayz, past couple days before & after school I’ve been chocolate shopping!  Going around to various shops to see wut’s avail & how the prices are.  Man, Godiva–amazing chocolates but quite pricey…she would really have to be worth it, to get her these.  But hmmm haven’t found those Raffaello coconut ones yet, Laura Secord doesn’t seem to have much good stuff, and apparently Lindt seems to be the good n popular standard.  Maybe I’ll just go with that,…. or who knows, I may forgo this whole ordeal and post-pone it.  We’ll see wut happens within the next month or so.

Really, I’m scared and holding back from really initiating, pursuing.  And this is just really useless, so here’s to just being a better friend, getting to know her better.  It just seems like anything more friendly I do will make it totally obvious… which isn’t altogether a bad thing, I want her to know. But I want her to know for the better, and I want to know how she feels about prospective me.  Hmm I guess I’ve also been keen on saving face, worried about how others around us might react about what they see… like, blowing my cover lol!  I guess I want to be obvious, but not that obvious, that I am in pursuit, that I am serious & seriously interested.

Man, does she really have no clue?  or is she just avoiding it?  She can’t be totally clueless… I’m definitely sure she’s smart and bright enuf to see through my previous advances.

Well, one thing for sure… more and more prayer being devoted to this.  It’s touchy, since it is on home turf..and things happening on home turf can get touchy because of all the people we see and talk to, week in and week out.  I really don’t wanna scare her, that’s for sure, coz I’m scared to.  I really just she’d be more responsive, and show some signs of reciprocation, that she sees and understands wut i’ve been hinting at…some affirmation that we’re on the same page, on the same boat.

The courtship process generally exists with 2 sides: on one side are those who are unsure if each other are compatible for something longterm, and thus go into a relationship to see if it could work out.  on the other side, which i think is where I am/have been, are those who don’t go into a relationship until they’re very sure that the other might very well be “the one”…  I wonder which side she’s on, but I’m thinking she and I are on the same side.  Which I guess, seemingly that she’s much less in pursuit as I’ve now come to be..this will make things more strenuous for me :S

Nevertheless…I’m game.  Planning for the call tmr or Thurs night (H)

It was real good to see you again.  If I could have said what i really meant to say, I would have said I missed you.

I mean, the truth is, when I look into your eyes…I see an angel.  I see God, the bright glorious face of the Almighty shining through in your eyes. I can’t deny it..it’s almost as if you had wings.  I see beauty, not in physical perfection, but in Christ-likeness.  I see strength, not in human ability, but Christ in you. I see hope, hope not in earthly circumstances turning out my way, but everything working out through it all because God is as always truly in control.  No tear is cried in vain, no smile or laughter is wasted–we rejoice because we are commanded to, but also because we want to.  “For your love compels me, to know your compassion, surrender my heart and serve only you. and i know each step of the way, your love will endure.”

It freaks me out, coz in a mess like my life–you are here, in my life. Only thing is, is that sometimes you just seem so far away….I am scared. Of what/how you are feeling. I just have much trouble reading you. Maybe it just is your captivating nature, that by design, you want to be pursued, and chased after, and fought for.  I want to pursue and chase after you, and fight for you.  I guess I’m just afraid of making a fool out myself infront of everybody, infront of our friends.  I’m afraid if there’s even a tiny hint that you don’t feel the same, or just don’t want a relationship right now.  (thus i shud very well seek the wisdom of mutual lady-friends).  I’m afraid of losing your friendship, your constancy the anchor in my life.  I cannot lose that.  I give my life to keep those valued friendships I’ve made in life.   ….~sighs~….I’m scared of what all this might mean.

I wonder if you are just playing hard to get, because that’s just the way this is supposed to work–me having to do what is required, chivalry..maybe you are traditional like that.  And maybe i’m just holding back from pursuing you because I’m still hurt and scared.  People say time only heals, but I need help in this..I really do.  I want your help.  ….Why aren’t you showing any signs of anything?  Body language, in your actions.  You don’t seem exactly on-your-toes excitedly interested, nor do you seem completely not…I just get a blank from reading you, from trying to see through your processing and absorbing of everything that’s happening.  What are you thinking?  Why are you so quite…?  What are you feeling?  Where do you stand?

I want to be fair to you.  And I think we are both old enuf and mature enuf to not be so childish about this/deal with it like teenagers.  We’re way beyond that..  I don’t know how much searching you’ve done for that one person in your life, but i’ve long stopped searching.  And from the mistakes I’ve made in my last relationship, I’m still healing though I can only promise that I won’t drag you down.  I’m over it, moved on, let it all go.  “Choose your own adventure”–I choose this one, and I choose to go through this door.

I hope I’ve been obvious to you.  Hope you like the card, and the gift.  I’ve missed you, and hope you like it.  I think about you daily, all the more when I don’t see you, and wonder what you are up to.  I really want to call you up… and make things even more obvious.  And if Feb.14 comes around and this is still up in the air, I plan to make it more obvious…. just trying to figure out if i should get some messenger to make the deliver or do it myself.

Maybe I’ll call you tomorrow.  Or maybe you’re gonna read this, and call me first…but kinda doubt it. Either way, all things being said, I know everything will be fine, through all this, and in the end.  I can’t make you any promises, and I’m sure you won’t either.. But in obedience, choose always to love and forgive as Christ did first to us.

Love, I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway
In your eyes
to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
Oh, I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Love, I don’t like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired, working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you, to keep me awake and alive

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  (2 Cor 12:9-10)

My heart breaks and aches each time I see/hear about a close friend who is weak.  They are suffering and struggling through a long season in this valley of life God has set before them, and I cannot do a single thing except to pray for them.  What more, they either seem to lack any humility to ask others for help or accountability…and they keep on trying to live the Christian life when I’ve said this a million times–the Christian life is not just difficult, it is impossible!  What they need, and what we all need is an internal transformation, not just external modifications.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)

We already had the main internal transformation happen to us when we were ‘regenerated’/became a saint (holy and faithful one IN Christ), and called righteous+justified through faith…but what we as His people need now, as always, more than ever, is sanctification.  Sanctification basically means we have to set ourselves apart for the use intended by GOD our Creator.  Indeed, this may include external things like obedience to His Living Word, through simple day-to-day things like not skipping class, not indulging in earthly materialism / shopping, keeping ourselves sexually pure, and also reading His Word & spending time with Him daily…but these external things are meaningless and have no foundation unless they are rooted in the internal transformation of our heart soul mind and strength all together being set aside for His purposes.

It really is that simple, and I’m again, going back to my passion here–God’s glory.  Since we were made BY Him, the only person who knows what we are here FOR is GOD Himself…so it is only right if we set our minds on things above & not on things on earth, and make sure we seek Him and only Him for purpose and reason and meaning for everything we do & our very existence.  All things being said, we have to do everything in Christ’s name to the glory of the Father.  And of course, God’s glory is never without His holiness–and this very essence of glorifying God is sanctifying ourselves to be holy–because He is pure glory, He also is pure Holy and requires us to be the same.

May God’s strength be magnified in your weakness, in our weaknesses.  And through our weaknesses, may Christ show His power to overcome all things.
Amen.

Holy Design
This place in time
That I might seek and find my God
My God

*Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You!
Lord I want to yearn for You
I want to burn with passion
Over You, and only You
Lord I want to yearn!

Your joy is mine
Yet why am I fine
With all my singing and bringing grain
In light of Him

Oh You give life and breath
In You we live and move
That’s why I sing *

P.S. More on “Internal Transformation” vs “External Modification” later….

I fond this little article very intriguing, and part of me laughs very loudly!  If you’re a techy like me, you’ll understand–but then, you’ll also have to be pretty grounded into the current happenings in the church, globally…mainly, you have to understand what i mean by the “emergent/emerging church/movement“, that has flooded so called post-modern Christianity.  there’s been quite a divide in the church, basically creating these 2 opposing sides of conservative vs emergent, you MUST be aware of this–you can’t just be stuck in your little bubble of your own church/fellowship and not realize what kind of worship you are expressing by how you live out your faith.

(For more on the “Emerging Church” click the links above, or check out this good article by D. A. Carson.  And please excuse their stupid name, it doesn’t mean that church is almost about to happen or up and coming LOL…it’s just “concerned with the deconstruction and reconstruction of Protestant Christianity in a postmodern cultural context“.)

This is my first real Conserv vs Pomo/Emergent post, so you have to know me–I am NOT an emergent.  I am a reformer, a conservative (evangelical), a Calvinist (at least 5point).  And as such, I am a bit biased towards the reformed theology.. unlike our good friend Ling-Ling, who has much pomo/emergent tendencies and thinkings.  me, i just simply admire and cherish God’s sovereign grace in all things and want to share that with everybody around me.  So anywayz, here we go. 

The Emergent Church & the iPod

BY SHANE ROSENTHAL [POSTED ONLINE:  JULY 18, 2005]

I’m very fond of my iPod. I pretty much have my entire music collection stored on my little 40gig device, and it can mix all my tunes up randomly, so that it basically becomes my own little radio station. But I have to be the first to admit that there is a downside to this new emerging technology. And that is this: because all my music is available, I have become somewhat less patient with individual songs and I often find myself reaching for the “skip to the next song” button. Why? Because listening to a song all the way through sometimes gets boring.  Skipping to the next “randomly picked track” is always exciting.

I think the Emergent church movement is sort of like my iPod. Think of it this way: the various traditions of Christendom are the music genres, and the various features of those traditions are song tracks. Now, most Christians have music libraries predominantly from one particular genre (such as Lutheran, Methodist, or Pentecostal), but emergent folks have very ecclectic collections spanning numerous genres, and all this is stored on an iPod set to “random play.” This is why one Emergent church will look and smell completely different from a sister congregation. With random play, you’ll never get the same playlist twice.

I get the sense that Emergent folks are dealing with the same issue that I am having with my iPod. Because they have the entire church tradition at their fingertips set to random play, the thing that has been exalted more than anything is the human will. What will be allowed in today’s playlist? Why are we skipping past this track in favor of the next?  Perhaps it’s not the really the “music” itself, but “change” that we’re ultimately after. Or maybe we simply love being the authors of our own playlists.

One final observation. The Emergent church iPod does appear to come pre-loaded with various music genres (Anglican, Evangelical, Medieval Catholic, Anabaptist, Reformation, Eastern Orthodox, etc), but for some reason, who ever owns the device appears to have a propensity for playing Anabaptist and Medieval tracks all the way through, while often skipping straight past Reformation tunes. Go figure.

Source: http://www.modernreformation.org/btt.htm#btt071805