I am really unsure what to say.  it’s 3:31am Central time, and i totally don’t feel tired tired. i don’t know, maybe i’m just processing.

Today, this afternoon, tonite.. maybe i’ll keep this short and sweet…but what’s been on my mind is, “You are forgiven.”  i’m still processing the truth in all that–the Cross & the Blood of Christ shed for me–and how that deserves a reverent party.  …but here it is: do i really believe that..?!?  do i truly live that.  do i forgive myself.  coz what feels like there is here within, is some self intolerance, self unforgiveness even though i am forgiven.  maybe it is just that, i just feel…experience unforgiveness upon myself, coz of myself–not forgiving myself, not accepting myself.   just as i am, in spite of and despite of all my inadequacies.  God does, and so much more but do i?  Jumping jumping, why didn’t i jump jump jump jump…and what’s i’ve been trying to understand is my reason for this.  i mean, i feel and know it to be true, the salvation and forgiveness and life there is…but i just don’t understand why i do not live it myself.  and why it still hurts.

some of this probably didn’t make sense, but oh well :S …. …. …..I just wish you were here and could experience all that i’ve experienced.

it’s not enough to just see so much of God, for God to reveal so much of Himself to us, and just experience it / and just see it.   it can’t be just a show. as worship, God’s revelation requires my response.  what is my response?  some times, and too often lately, the response ain’t natural or automatic.  in these past months, it just isn’t like a reflex.  i hafta choose.  and often i have chosen to “bless His name” on this road of suffering, tho at times i did not.  but what more, is that when i did choose to worship Him in and through my struggles, i was not happy about the suffering and the need of such to glorify God.  like Piper talked about this morning, i’ve been struggling so much with finding joy and happiness in all this.  and when i’m deep-down not happy about it, it really defeats the actual worship in it.  and basically, it’s very well ended up as being sin instead of an offering of praise to the Father.

anywayz, don’t think i can articulate anything more.  confused a bit here, and really just trying to understand why you and I have not embraced surrender.  i think it has a lot to do with what i said earlier, that we just havent been rooted deep into the Word of God yet..

tafn.  the last few hours of Passion06; it all ends tmr after the Main Session.  it’s just weird that i don’t feel all “awww it’s all gonna be over soo soon”… i just am in anticipation of what God has to say to me, to us during the worship time, during the talk.  kinda feels like it’s just another step forward in the journey.

It is late, my baggage hasn’t arrived:( …and i’m still kinda processing what God’s been doing this entire day, our first full day of Passion06.  If i don’t make sense, it’s coz i need more than the 3hrs i had yesterday :S

Morninng: community group worship with the Nockels + Tim Hughes, great start to the morning, plus met up with my “family group”.  Chrissy (as Kat now calls him) Tomlin, Made To Worship + another new God-anthem. Piper–WOW–controversial topic on God’s glory.  Prime reason (sin and thus) suffering exists is to display the greatness of the glory of God’s grace; God ordained SIN to exist to ultimately magnify this greatness!! somebody was screaming and disagreed–very hard to swallow.

Lunch. 18,000 people being served food all at the same time!  wow, so coordinated!

Afternoon: Piper on teaching the whole counsel of God.  more controversy–must take doctrinal theology seriously; it aint all just that simple–can’t be like that.  ie: Jesus is NOT God coz he had a beginning VS Jesus is GOD period.  Jesus is of the same nature of the Father OR Jesus is of the similar nature of the Father!  THERE’S A REAL DIFFERNCE!
+krazy lineup for Latenight tickets; tried to buy some gifts but krazy checkout lineup; Kneel/Prayer Journey took like 30mins but was glorifying and edifying at the same time.  Dinner = hotdog.

Evening: Crowder.  WOW!  WOW!  but “You Are My Joy” totally not as HYPE loud as PassionTdot :S  Louie leading prayer triangles; crying at so much grace & mercy God’s been showering on me.  Beth Moore–wow, lady really brought it hard on us…reaping what we sow, can’t just eat eat and say it’s just soo good, even tho it is, has to be more than that.  has to sow deep roots and harvest a real crop that makes a difference.  *we don’t want just another event or revival meeting, we want our lives to change history*  more tears falling continually as Beth just hits the spot where it hurts.
+Community Group worship was amazing–Grace Flows Down; Family Group everybody was breaking into tears + praying for each other + laying hands on each other–amazing closeness thru the Spirit tho we barely know each other!

and Latenight—WOW!!!  Nockels + Redman!  Wow!  did i say WOW already!  man… i love HYMNS… i just love hymns!! speaks so many words that i had in my heart for soo long =D  Christy Nockels’ voice is simply amazing, so awesome that God uses her so well, must have an amazing sound tech, coz dang, she can really sing and sing beautifully!  Lost my voice–God was really working thru Knockels+Redman+team–so powerful–HOW GREAT THOU ART!!

Homeless persons on street we met & gave some food to, please pray for them–Michael & Jake.

Arrived finally at Nashville, with Chris. spent afternoon in Chicago/ohare.  originally connecting flight from Chicago to Nashville cancelled; subsequent flights fully booked; thus put on standby.  Finally here and missing the whole opening Main Session.

Luckily, Kat was able to get here ontime.

Oh, and did i mention that I don’t have my luggage!?!  mix ups and delays, and hence, my big MEC backpack is now somewhere out there…slowly on its way to Nashville!  hopefully it’ll arrive sooon & be delivered to our hotel here.

Anywayz, for details on what’s happening here @ Passion06 and all that i’m currently missing out on–check out www.268generation.com/passion06/ & www.268blog.com
We’ll see what happens now; maybe go down to the Gaylord arena and see if we can get into one of many the latenight worship sessions happening…

If you’re reading this—PRAY PRAY PRAY for us. We need His hand of providence on us.  It’s weird, knowing God wants us here to seek His face, and the Evil forces at hand holding us back…  If u wanna contact me, email me or post a comment here–we’ve free hispeed internet here; or u can textmsg me =D

tafn from Nashville, TN!

I was just thinking about this, how my blog never reallyhad a name or title.  “sixsteps” is the name of my site, and the whole “i am not” knickname is something i’ve picked up recently after God revealing to me His “I AM” identity.

When I created the main graphic for this site, it was kind of not exactly intended to have “When you and I embrace surrender” as the tiltle, but it was just in one of the Passion Toronto pics that i saw that and thought back upon that song.

You and I are made to worship
You are I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free.
When you and I embrace surrender,
When you and I choose to believe,
You and I will see who we were meant to be.

I think it’s actually very relevant for these times and this new year.  something to learn i definitely think–the whole surrender idea.  for the most part, last year was a lot about dying to self power and self trying, and really embracing the fullness of not just the Holy Spirit within me, but especially the living Christ Jesus within.  and this notion of “stop trying, and start dying”, i dont think either of us has fully lived out yet in everything we do.

and so, may it be a coincidence that this moniker landed on me…but i think it’s a gift from heaven actually, a very appropriate title to this new blog and new season in life.

anywayz, i should really get started on packing LOL!  Passion06 here i come!

Tomorrow night, I will be joining 18,000 other students in seeking God’s face and amplifying His greatness in Nashville.  I’m pumped, soo very excited, and in need of a bit more rest to get rid of this cold i’ve had since like Tuesday.  I’ve been imagining what that sounds like, looks like, feels like…to be in one big room with people from “every nation, tribe and tongue” to come together, joining as one to bring glory to God. No matter how loud the music from the stage is gonna be, our unified voices will be louder!  I wonder how deafening it’s gonna be =D I can just picture it, standing in awe of the grace of God that will have brought us together; humbled that it’s not just one or two of us worshipping God in song, not just 18,000 of us, but to think that we are only a spec in the grand scheme of things…to consider ALL the people around the world, along with the countless angels and heavenly hosts that will be worshipping with us!  WOW!!

I was listening to Beth Moore’s message she preached last year…and i’m just so amazed at the powerful voice of God that comes out of her mouth as she preached.. i’m not sure about this whole women and preaching/pastoring thing, but she’s got one heck of a gift–she just brings it straight to ya, loud and clear, no holding back at raising her voice to call upon the Spirit to saturate our lives.  her message was on passion, being as much a thing of the MIND as the heart…to guard our minds, as much as we guard our hearts.  just as Christ called us to love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength, we must not neglect protecting our minds from the Evil one.  Our minds is what our faith is entrenched in–not just that we need to know what we believe–but also why.  Beth called the students to root our minds into the WORD of God, to hold up with the Shield of Faith in one hand AND the Sword of the Spirit in the other–so that our minds, and thus our hearts and our lives, would be strengthened for the glory of God.

I couldn’t agree with her more. And i’ve just been pondering about that, that we’ve SOOO often talked about guarding our hearts, that we’ve neglected to protect that which has opened up a gateway for our hearts to be shaken and broken–our minds.  Satan has tempted us and tricked us, told us lies that there is something better than Jesus…and we’ve one way or another, no matter how small, we’ve bought into that lie. and our hearts have been broken, our lives been torn apart because of this.  it’s because our minds aren’t strong enough to withstand…we gotta put up the Helmet of Salvation and protect our heads from thinking anything else than God satisfies.  ….and getting hurt in the process of “loving others” has tremendously impacted our “loving God” with all of our heart soul mind and strength, and all this due to our weak minds.

We need strength, Father.  Be the strength inside of us.  White flags all around… no more trying to do the right thing. Time to surrender to Your power within and stop doing the wrong things..stop sinning against You.  Thank you for saving me, for saving us.. That when we were dead in our transgressions, you rescued us..and by Your grace we are healed, through faith we are righteous.  Be the strength in our weakness, be the treasure that we seek, be all in our all.

Amen.