I write this post reflecting on some things a friend of mine wrote earlier, and also just as an accumulation of a few things that have been building up.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been having a good number of talks with my sister.  The other night we ended up talking about what kind of person I would like.  I kind of brought it upon myself, because honestly, I’m just in a zone, in state of mind, where I have realized that I don’t know.

I don’t know what I want.

We talked about external things, and more specifically outward appearances.  I just shared that there are various types of styles: ones who wear tight lowrise jeans with leather boots that have that fluffy trim, and a puffy winter jacket with a faux fur fluffy trim; the kind that brushes their hair over their ears every 3 minutes just to express their girliness; there’s the ones who wear sneakers and t-shirts all the time; there is the cutsy adorable asian types who can be very hard to resist because of their nagging; there is the proud chin-up I-know-I’m-hot and I-want-things-my-way wearing brand/designer name clothes all the time kind; there’s also the kind that looks nice and good and seems very good & religious but probably have alterior motives and a loaded past; there’s a kind that takes real good care of themselves physically by working out and wearing Lululemon athletica clothing all the time to show off what a great bod that they’ve worked hard to get; I could go on and on… but there’s also that one kind who is the typical pure princess type who never goes anywhere without a complete matching outfit and a shiny purse even if she’s only out for coffee or  grocery shopping.

I can’t for the sake of me figure out what I like or would want.  Mentally, I have just put it all off and thrown it all out.  I’ve watched a lot of tv, and every character I see seems outwardly attractive somehow but all the while still have a huge downside/baggage/issues attached to them.  I don’t care to figure out what I want; I don’t feel like picking and choosing a type, or finding a mix and a match of a type.

I simply don’t know what I want, in terms of the person’s outward appearance.  My own wardrobe changes from week to week, day to day, depending on how I feel; sometimes I feel flowery, other days I feel like standing out with a bling shirt, or with some T that has a humourous sentence, and other days I feel prepy or plain simple.  I would hope that my significant other would match well wardrobe wise with how I look.  Afterall, we often express ourselves and how we are feeling by our dress and I hope that there is truthful expression in it–not just laissez-faire I-don’t-care how I look.

All the outward means nothing, that appearances are deceiving, especially if there’s no humility, grace and a heart after God on the inside…  but the inside, I have previously ranted about, which is hard to find.  Very hard.  It’s been suggested that I just go to seminary and find a semarian gal who thinks and is interested about those churchy things and all the while is an idealistic/romantic as myself.  I am very much just ready to do just that, for the sake of the gospel and my call to ministry of course!  It’s just that the outward just seems more tangible right now, something I can see, but it also can be a negative thing in that it may seem like I am filtering first via the outwardly.  But the truth is, I recall saying this to a friend about a year ago: it doesn’t matter how hot you look, if you can’t earn my trust then I will not open my heart to you.

I heard from a friend that the worse feeling other than loneliess is feeling lonely and feeling like you are alone in feeling that way.  Being alone in your loneliness.  I don’t think I am in this kind of a state at all, only that I cannot get a grasp on what I want from this life and the things that would make me happy.  I wonder why there are so many people who seem to just have it easy in terms of relationships, and then there are ones like myself who seem to have it soo much harder; often I feel cheated by God out of a good thing… but then I remind myself that everything on this earth is by grace, so I shouldn’t complain, right?

And as hard as relationships are & knowing that it will always take lots of work, I just want it all to be easier, less complicated, less mind-numbing head-aching, and more natural, easy flowing, simple, second nature.

It’s like, what do you do when the world throws you a lemon: do you make lemonade, or do you add vodka?  What if you don’t want lemonade or vodka, but rather iced tea?  Or a long-island iced tea, which has lemonade, vodka, and iced tea? This is such a conumdrum that I even have a hard time figuring myself out.  Consider Christmas: what do I want for Christmas?  If I could put that into words, I probably would have gotten it already.  I have tried not to desire earthly things and wordly treasures, and just set my desires on things above and making a difference for God through being a good servant of Christ… but something is still missing, lacking, “not there” yet.

And it just kills me from trying get a goodnights sleep for a long time now.  When you fall asleep, or at least when I do, I try to dream about this ideal situation, dream life, a picture of what it all should be like… some sort of hope for tomorrow that will put me to sleep.  However, I cannot come up with any images or pictures to fall asleep to, I don’t have that something to look forward to waking up.  It’s just blank. Tabula rasa.  And it’s not that I don’t have any life goals or ambitions–coz I do–but I just don’t know… I really wish I could wrap my head around it.

Maybe I’m still so scarred that I can’t even put my heart on my sleeve; bottling it all up; unable to trust anybody with my true heart and soul to let anybody in.  Where do I go from here?  I don’t know.

In God’s kindness to us, He doesn’t just nourish us, He has provided an infinite variety of foods that not only keep us alive, but that also taste good to us. In the same way, God has graciously given us physical attraction, chemistry, and pleasure to make marriage and its unique intimacy that much sweeter to us. That’s good and right.

Enjoy those things, but don’t be a slave to them. Desire them, but have a realistic idea of what those words mean in a fallen world, and the limited role they should play in one of the most important decisions of your Christian life. Remember, “the movies” aren’t real, and they aren’t the standard. It’s not that attraction makes no difference, but it shouldn’t make the difference.

What should make the difference? Well, the Bible talks about the characteristics of godly men and women. These are the things that the Lord Himself considers to be good attributes, or, to use a different word, “attractive.”

Is your potential spouse clearly a believer in Jesus (2 Cor. 6:14)? Does he/she exhibit the fruit of the Spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5)? Does he/she show clear regard and care for others? Does he/she show evident love for God in how he/she spends time and money, how he/she interacts with others?

Women, is this a man you respect? Could you envision yourself submitting to and following him over the course of your lives together? Do you believe he will care well for you and your children? Will he serve you above himself and encourage your spiritual growth, as he is called to do in Ephesians 5? Is he growing in the characteristics of biblical manhood (1 Timothy 3, Titus 1 and 1 Peter 3)?

Men, do you believe this woman will care for you well and be a good mother and discipler to your children? Is she growing in the characteristics of biblical womanhood and what the Bible calls “true beauty” (Proverbs 31, 1 Peter 3, Titus 2)? Do you envision her being supportive of you in whatever ministry God may call you to?

-Scot Croft, “Brother You’re Like a Six“

I live in a postmodern era, where everything I know about God has been boiled down to seeker-sensitive, Purpose-Driven, God wants me to be rich, contemplative spiritualy, and “emerging”.

My life centers around the church, and what it means to be a cross-bearing Christ follower.  As one who is in the process of planning to attend seminary in the (distant near) future to prepare for pulpit ministry, and as one who is a tad right-of-center theologically, it is dog-gone hard to find a godly woman–one who is more than less equally yoked to me.  I mean, seriously, where are the godly women?

One who is Reformed in their understanding of salvation, who has a high view of the God’s sovereignty and Scriptural sufficiency/inerrancy, one who can explain the 5-points of Calvinism, who understands postmodernity and has a less-than-favorable position about the Emerging Church… I see that there is currently no one who meets such criteria–who loves what I love, who is passionate about what I am passionate about, who talks about what I love talking about, who would be willing to sacrifice their career to humbly serve God in supporting mine.

I’m not making a “list” here, but just saying that in order for the relationship to really work, these are things that will preoccupy my mind, of which I will have tantrums and yap endlessly about.  I’m a theological-geek/dork/nerd who isn’t even a seminarian yet!  I mean, honestly–what kind of girl would care about such things?, nevermind have a position on them!  No person would ever truly fulfill any list, so I won’t even bother trying to make one up–we all are not perfect, but the question is whether or not one is perfect for me… whether or not we are perfect for each other.

I don’t ever want to “settle” for the next best thing… I always strive to attain the best thing there is (at the time), and do much in-depth research before getting it: whether it be a job, technology, or a relationship.  Too often, I see people around me settle into a long relationship since very early on… and they end up not fighting/arguing because they know they the other is good enough, even though it’s not all that they planned on / wanted in the first place, even though he or she wasn’t what they had in mind.  These people don’t want to ruin a good thing, and just want the security and stability of a constant relationship–I mean who doesn’t want security and stability right!?!

When I see a couple like this who are basically moderately satisfied with their relationship, I know they deserve better, and they both know it themselves too,  HOWEVER, neither of them wants to go through the stress and anxiety of having big fights or breaking up and starting over in another relationship.  To me, it’s a sad tale that is all too popular like McDonalds: it tastes good, but it doesn’t really fill you up… it’s like, “I’ll settle for you, even though you are not the best thing for me.”  I don’t ever want to be in a position like that.

Hence, these days my sleeping hours are out-of-sync, and I really do not know how I can fall asleep.

There is nobody.

I don’t know when it started being like this, but it was recent, within the past 3 months… the feeling more recently intensifying over the past month.  As long as I can remember, there has always been somebody in mind, a picture in my head that I fall asleep to, an image that gives me hope, a vision that drives me to live for tomorrow.

Right now however, there is nobody.  And these days, I just lie silently thinking about nothingness until my mind is too tired to think anymore, and then I fall asleep.  OR, I just watch tv until I’m too tired and finally doze off.

There is no longer any target in front of me that I am aiming for.  It is a very weird, awkward feeling, not having such a prospect to strive for… it’s been a long time since I have been like this.  Even though I know this is what is needed in this time of my life, I sense of disappointment still surrounds me as I see everybody else around me with their target in sight (even my younger sister).

And so, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus, and yet it feels so much like I am running aimlessly in a direction–but the road ahead of me is dark, and I cannot see the road that is front of me.  Nevertheless, may your Word be a lamp to my feet (Psalm 119) and the path upon which I walk (Psalm 19).