Shall Christians date unbelievers who have good morals?
Shall Christians date unbelievers who have good morals?
Consider the following recent comment by Nancy in an old post concerning Christians dating non-Christians:
But what if the person is non-christian, but at the same time as good morals and doesn’t pressure you into things? Are they still grouped together with every other non-christian out there? I mean just because they don’t believe in Jesus Christ and God doesn’t mean they are a bad person. So even if this person is as good and kind as a christian, because they are a non-christian we can’t date them?
The original post and quote is extensive enough to answer this question, but I did respond to Nancy’s question.
I am unsure about whether or not Nancy is a born-again believer or not, but it is sad to think that there are numerous Christians who do think this way and would ask similar questions. To many Christians, this issue is not black and white, and thus it is even scarier to ponder what they believe about what Scripture teaches about homosexual behavior and abortion.
May responses like this encourage us in our evangelism and gospel proclamation, to be motivated to make plain how different and radical gospel living is, to be be compelled by the love of Christ for us to live more faithfully to His Word.
For other posts on this issue of Christians dating unbelievers, see also
A Brief History Of Relationships From The 1970’s To Now
Ask Dr. Ceren: A Brief History Of Relationships From The 1970’s To Now
© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.
Thirty years ago, divorce was less accepted and people stayed in ungratifying marriages for security. In the mid to late 1970’s, a radical change occurred. Anti discrimination laws allowed women to pursue careers never before readily available to them. Women no longer needed men for financial security or status. They gained satisfaction from their professional lives.
But, this brought a downside. Now women may be more stressed from work pressures or balancing career and family life.
Gradually, an openness toward sexual expression occurred and with it, a willingness to experiment with more partners. The value of monogamy began to erode bringing open marriage to the fore, but with the increase and awareness of sexually transmitted disease, many couples became more willing to commit to marriage.
Now living together without marriage has become more acceptable, allowing couples a chance to see how they get along together in shared quarters over time.
An increase in unwed mothers has occurred, especially with professional women. Single parent adoption offers an option to those without mates who want a family life. Better birth control is available. Abortion is no longer shunned in many quarters.
The arrival of the computer offers people instant intimacy online. If someone is already mated, these exciting relationships can destroy a primary relationship.
The younger woman/older man relationship still exists, but it is not as common among women satisfied with their own status as was the case thirty years ago.
Most women still prefer men who are strong, and have equal status to them.
There remain women with a strong need to control who prefer men who are passive and dependent. This arrangement may work for some couples.
Men are learning to adjust to assertive women.
Men are becoming more interested in shared parenting and show a willingness to share household tasks. They are accepting an equalization of roles more so than ever before.
Many emotionally healthy couples have come to value cooperation and see marriage as a true partnership. The partner who prefers to do, or does best a particular household task should do it regardless of gender. The woman may enjoy handling the bills and the man may prefer kitchen duties.
Laws regarding spousal abuse have made it no longer tolerated or ignored as much as it had been in the past, but it still exists.
Psychological healthy couples don’t jump into marriage. They realize it is better to get to know each other gradually. They are becoming aware of the necessity for respect and understanding of each other, to see each other as individuals with separate needs, to engage in activities with friends, career, recreational activities that do not have to be shared with a mate.
Healthy couples are tolerant of each other. They realize that not everyone feels, thinks or acts the same way, but they do share core values, integrity, fidelity, trust, respect, a willingness to be there for each other for their common good. They engage in a strong partnership, not a fly-by-night-see-you-later arrangement. They do not have doubts about each other.
People are more willing to enter therapy in attempt to save their marriage. They appear more serious about preserving what they have, and making it better. I see fewer serial relationships today than in former years. There appears to be a return of traditional life style with a nice twist: Stay at home Dads. More fathers take an active role in child rearing than ever before.
A grandfather took his toddler grandson to a birthday and was terrified to change the diaper. All the young dads were surprised that he hadn’t done it for his children.
There are more second marriages with children from previous marriages. This often presents problems. A blended family where the children are his, hers and theirs is complicated and takes a lot of compassion and understanding and a willingness to make it better.
Second marriages also can present another set of financial considerations with an assortment of bank accounts: his, hers, theirs.
Some things never change: Jealousy among the insecure continues to be the same threat as always. When couples are conflicted, frustrated and need therapy, prescriptions must be tailored for each couple. Basic things they need to work on continue to be communication skills, learning how to listen and putting oneself in the other’s shoes.
Disclaimer - The articles and columns on this website are not meant as substitutes for one-on-one psychotherapy with a licensed professional. If you feel you have issues that need to be addressed professionally, please consult a licensed psychotherapist in your area. This article/column may have first appeared in the Del Mar Times. Article is reproduced from the doctor’s website.He Has Done Great Things For us
Hi y’all,
I have missed writing to y’all over the past few weeks. I’ve been really busy with school work, but now that I’ve finished everything for that summer class I should have more time to read blogs and write blogs.
As so happens after a season of rest from blogging, I do have lots I want to say. I had a blog post half finished that I want to finish and publish, something that may push the buttons of some. I’m looking forward to getting back into a roll with the blogging 
Aside from work and school, I have been trying to spend more time with my girlfriend and depending on the week, I may be more successful than other days. All things considered, I am very thankful for the work of God in our lives, how has brought us together and kept us together through faith in Christ, that we might be an encouragement to each other and a witness to the world for God. It has all been a gift of grace, something we do not deserve, something that is a miracle of God! He has done great things, and we are only enjoying the benefits!
I will confess and admit that the big “M” word has been on my mind, something that I am constantly evaluating myself about, preparing my heart (and wallet) for, and submitting to the Lord about. I grew up in the suburbs of Toronto and in a middle/upper-class Chinese church, and so my mindset about what is “normal” in terms of speed and how quickly relationships develop and move onto the next levels is much slower than what seems to be more normal to American Christians.
I do not think it is necessarily a Southern Baptist thing, as my sister sometimes criticizes, but I do admire the humility of many Christians (friends) who submit themselves to the Word of God in relationships by getting married sooner, rather than later (and later… and later). In one sense, it is certainly better to be married younger / earlier than to suffer the pain and guilt of sexual sin, fornication, or a baby out of wedlock. I do not see any statistics about the success of marriages and age of marriage; the divorce rates are the same for Christians as non-believers. While I genuinely believe that God’s grace abounds greater than sin will ever, I know that God does fill and empower us with the Holy Spirit to obey His Word and submit to His will for our lives.
In the past month or so, I found out about 3 couples I know who have gotten engaged. I’m so happy for them :-) None of them have known each other for more than a year, and some have only been seeing each other for 5 months at most. So despite all the speediness of how quickly people around us do things, we are working hard to take things slowly but surely, going at a pace in which we both feel comfortable, preparing and planning, praying and petitioning the Lord about this and many other insecurities… getting to know each other as friends, as brother and sisters in Christ, and as boyfriend and girlfriend. I know I have a long way to go in terms of becoming the kind of man that I want to be, for the Lord is still working in me to develop my manhood. But thanks be to God, we have so many friends from church who are cheering and praying for us, keeping us accountable to physical and emotional purity; it is such a blessing to have such a wonderful Christian community to share our joys and struggles with.
On that note, I have been convicted at how unfair and sinful it is for young men who have been seeing a girl for 2+years and not ask their hand in marriage. Leading them on in an extended relationship with no convenantal commitment is simply un-Christlike in manner, outright unfair, hurtful, and a disservice to that girl. I do not wish this for any sister in Christ who has experienced this, and pray that the hand of God would work in all relationships, even in spite of the circumstances of life we find ourselves in. I still find myself to be very Northern and slow in my opinion of these things, and pray that the Lord would convict me of sin in these matters as well.
On that note, it’s time for my prayer time and for bed. Grace to y’all, and talk to you soon.
One Way, Many Paths: Different People, Different Styles
“I am the way, and the truth, and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through me.”
-John 14:6
In this long-overdue concluding post on the 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life (ed. Alex Chediak, Th1nk Books, 2005), I want to draw our attention to some things that we can easily overlook while trying to decipher which “path” to take on this journey towards a life-long earthly companion.
At various times in our lives, things may not turn out the way we originally planned and more often than not we may be disappointed in God for that. In those times, we must trust in the LORD that He has sovereignly ordained every step in this earthly pilgrimage towards heaven, and have faith that everything we go through is for our good and for His glory. As His redeemed children, we can be assured that as we endure and persevere in these times of testing, we will be refined by the Holy Spirit’s fire and we will be all the more ready for Christ Jesus’ glorious return. After all He is the only Way, the only Truth and the Only Life — regardless of which path we may decide to take.
That being said, let us look back on the “five paths” that I have already reviewed:
- Path 1 (Lauren F. Winner): The Countercultural Path
- Path 2 (Douglas Wilson): The Courtship Path
- Path 3 (Rick Holland): The Guided Path
- Path 4 (Jonathan Lindvall): The Betrothal Path
- Part 5 (Jeramy & Jerusha Clark): The Purposeful Path
Common Ground
While each of the 5 paths may do dating or courtship differently, there are many areas of agreement between them (as noted in the concluding chapter). Each method places a priority on the role of families and social groups in the relationships of singles and couples. Each method is marriage minded and does not take lightly the importance of preparing for that covenant. Each method strives to be biblical and God-honoring, forsaking all worldly ideas of what a relationship should look like. With all these areas of agreement, how then is any good Christian supposed to discern which path to take? (more…)
Merry Christmas to Someone Special
Here’s the most interesting Christmas card message I received this year. It’s from two long-time friends from church, a couple who is getting married this coming May. This is part of the message they wrote in the card:
I pray that the following year brings you more blessings. We will continue to pray for God to find a suitable mate for you at school or elsewhere. In His time, he will provide all that you need!!
(Emphasis mine; but the two !! exclamation marks are original to the writers)
I think that is the first time I ever received such a message in a card from friends, such a blunt message.
I’m not sure if this is the thinking of all couples, that all those who aren’t in a relationship are not normal — and thus they pray that those abnormal people become normal by getting into a relationship. As if without a relationship, they have some huge part of their life that is missing and that life isn’t full until you get that relationship, or that a relationship is all that you need. It is as if those who are single are somehow a bit less human or complete, compared to those dating/married.
(Of course, I could be wrong about this “as if” hypothetical mindset)
There is something wrong here with that theology, and this is tempting me to write something substantial against this mentality.
The Purposeful Path
This is the 5th and second last post in a detailed book review of 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life (ed. Alex Chediak, Th1nk Books, 2005).
The fifth chapter is authored by Jeramy and Jerusha Clark. They have served in youth ministry for a combined twenty years. After meeting at The First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, where the Clarks both served in youth ministry, they moved to Monument, Colorado, where they ministered at Tri-Lakes Chapel. Currently, Jeramy, Jerusha, and their two children live in Escondido, California, where Jeramy pastors several hundred high school students at Emmanuel Faith Community Church. Together, they have coauthored 4 books on relationships.
Chapter/Path 5 (Jeramy and Jerusha Clark):
The Purposeful Path
Definition
The Purposeful Path claims that young adults who love the Lord and long to please Him can date in a healthy way. Not everyone has to date, but single Christians can enjoy appropriate dating relationships if they approach the practice with God’s perspective and guidelines. These guidelines include pursuing holiness, trustworthiness, and support from friends and family.
Distinctives
- Single Christians should not have to turn down opportunities to enjoy the company of the opposite sex, such as the prom or a movie night; these may be great opportunities to get to know a brother or sister in Christ.
- If you want the freedom to date, you have to accept the responsibilities that come with it, namely personal commitment to holiness and clear communications with others.
- Pursuing emotional and physical purity is essential if you want a healthy dating relationship
- Purposeful dating requires forethought, good judgment, and good communication to make solid decisions. If you desire to seriously date, think carefully about whom you’ve chosen and why.
Key Verses
- Psalm 19:7-8
- Galatians 5:13
- Matthew 22:37-38
- Isaiah 30:21
- 1 Thessalonians 4:7
- Proverbs 4:23
- Proverbs 15:22
Key Benefits
- This approach allows you to rely on the Spirit to make good decisions. You can find the love of your life without following any particular formula.
- In the process of finding the love of your life, you can pursue a holy life and holy relationships while dating (even casual dating).
- You will learn to communicate well with people because purposeful dating requires frequent and quality communication
Potential Problems
- Establishing boundaries, both emotional and physical, can be hard, and balancing them can be just as difficult. Some Christians who have lived a physically pure life can experience deep pain in breaking up because they’ve traded physical intimacy for powerful emotional bonds. Be careful of engaging in intimate acts of worship, such as praying together, because they can draw you closer than many physical expressions of affection can.
- Because this is a broad definition of dating, be careful not to use it as an excuse to engage in worldly ways of interacting with the opposite sex.
- While focusing on becoming the “right” person, some people may become obsessed with it and end up with ridiculous expectations for themselves and others. Remember to operate in an environment of grace
Summary & Personal Reflections
Boy Meets Girl, Boy Likes Girl, Girl Doesn’t Like Boy
Pastor Joshua Harris writes,
I am often asked if I still agree with what I wrote in my first book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The answer is that I do, but I’m quick to state that I’ve never claimed that the ideas I share in it are for everyone, nor that my book is or should be the final word on Christian relationships. The book is simply me at 21-years-old sharing my personal journey of learning to honor God with romance and relationships.
Read the rest of his post at his blog.
The Betrothal Path
I actually finished reading this chapter over 3 weeks ago, but didn’t get the chance to write this up until now. This is the 4th installment in my blog series on the book, 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life (ed. Alex Chediak, Th1nk Books, 2005). I have been very much looking forward to posting this, since the topic and issues related to this fourth path could easily be controversial and a turn-off to many in today’s culture of dating — even within Christian and Southern Baptist circles.
When I began typing up the summary and reflection to this chapter, I actually had to pause and really examine my heart and intentions. Simply put, the Holy Spirit reminded me of the height from which I had fallen from grace — the distance so many of us Christians have departed from how Scripture commands us to treat one another in romantic relationships. Like the church in Ephesus, Jesus’ Spirit revealed to me this one sin that is somewhat hidden from our public Christian persona: that we have abandoned the love we had at first, namely Jesus Christ. And like in Revelation 5, Christ Jesus calls us to remember the place from where we have fallen; repent of our sin of idolatry — making all our earthly loves greater than our love for Jesus; and to return to do the things we did when we first fell in love with Jesus — communing with Him in daily devotion and prayer.
Having rededicated ourselves to Christ as our sole-sufficiency, let us now take a look of the long-forgotten betrothal path.
Chapter/Path 4 (Jonathan Lindvall):
The Betrothal Path
Definition
Betrothal is a covenant relationship that defines the process between singleness and marriage. The covenant is as irrevocable as marriage (no breaking up), but it does not authorize physical union. The betrothal period is a season of preparation for marriage — particularly preparation of your heart.
Distinctives
- Breaking up is unacceptable. Once you are betrothed, marriage is inevitable. Therefore, careful seeking of God’s will is necessary. Your parents should be involved in this process, helping you seek God’s Word and His leading.
- Human marriage is metaphorical for the church’s marriage with Christ. Although our wedding feast with our Bridegroom in heaven has not yet happened, we are betrothed to Him right now, and that covenant cannot be broken.
- Although the covenant is as irrevocable as marriage, sexual union isn’t permitted until you are actually married.
- If you date or flirt with someone you are not betrothed to, you are defrauding him or her, his or her future spouse, and your future spouse.
- In betrothal, the motto is not “Marry the one you love” but rather “Love the one you marry.”
Key Verses
- 2 Corinthians 11:2; Ephesians 5:22-23; Revelation 19:9 (bride of Christ)
- Matthew 1:18-20
- Deuteronomy 22:22-29
- 1 Corinthians 7:32-33
- 1 Thessalonians 4:6; 1 Timothy 2:9 (defrauding)
Key Benefits
- Betrothal helps protect against emotional and physical damage because you are giving your heart and body solely to one person.
- Unlike dating or courtship, betrothal is prescribed in Scripture. So if you’re looking for a way to follow Scripture more explicitly, betrothal is a good option.
- In Betrothal, you enter a committed relationship from the get-go, instead of anticipating or being insecure about a breakup.
- “Falling in love” is a by-product of betrothal instead of a requirement for marriage.
- Betrothal, like courtship, creates an environment for obeying God by honoring your parents.
Potential Problems
- You have to be careful when making this crucial decision because “the heart is deceitful above all things” (Jeremiah 17:9). You could make hasty decisions if you’re following your heart only and not tapping in to Christ’s words and will.
- Betrothal requires that a bride and groom make an effort to set good communication patterns during their betrothal, as they are to have had virtually no intimate conversation prior to covenant.
- Betrothal could be used as a manipulative tool for selfish people who are not surrendered to Christ. It is a good protection only when practiced by loving people
Personal Reflections
Anything
Q: Love - It’s not just a human emotion. No, it is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies. I see that you are in love. Can you tell me what you would give to hold on to that connection?
A: Anything.
Rama-Kandra talking to Neo, in The Matrix Revolutions.
How Long Would You Wait For Love
Some say that Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez is the greatest love story ever told. Between it, and Shakespeare’s infamous tragedy Romeo and Juliet, it’s a tough call in my humble opinion. But then again, I have not read that many classics. I did, however, read half of Love in the Time of Cholera, or at least enough to write a book review of it for my Gr.13 English class (I remember that I did not finish it, as I should have lol).
I wish I could dig up my old book review and post it for you, and moreoever, I wish I could remember the details how how this beautiful story went (I do remember that the English translation of this originally spanish novel was really hard to grasp). But thanks be to Wikipedia, you can get a feel for the story here.
I just found out through the LibraryThing blog that this classic novel has finally been adapted into a movie, which is being coming to theaters November 16. The hopeless romantic in me really wants to check that out! (Yes, I’m one of those sensitive guys )
The overarching theme of the story, as is in the movie, is simply…
How long would you wait for love?
Here’s the trailer:
When You Fall Into a Hole
This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out.
A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, “Hey you. Can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, “Father, I’m down in this hole can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on
Then a friend walks by, “Hey, Joe, it’s me! Can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.” The friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.”
(more…)
When She Nods It Means Something Different
The Wall Street Journal reports:
Body language differs by gender. Men tend to stare as they listen and nod to signify they understand. Women may nod when they don’t yet understand to encourage the speaker to keep talking. [...] women are more comfortable seated face to face.
(HT: Dr. Albert Mohler)
Biblical Dating 101
Scott Croft, an elder at Mark Dever’s Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, D.C., has been writing an article series on Biblical Dating that is being published to Focus on the Family’s Boundless webzine. I’ve posted the series’ preface below, and the links to the 7 published articles so far. All the articles are very good and together form a biblical, countercultural path towards Christian dating.
Of special note is the most recent article, From “Hi” to “I Do” in a Year, Scott recommends “that people either get married or break up within a year or so of beginning a dating relationship.” So if you are dating someone for almost a year, or over a year now, this is something worth reading 
The system today’s young men and women have inherited for finding and marrying a future spouse leaves a lot to be desired. We often hear complaints from readers about the confusion, hurt and sexual sin they’ve encountered despite their best intentions. Many want to know how they can go about getting to know someone and eventually getting married without getting hurt or compromising their faith.
At Focus on the Family, we’ve offered a range of resources and expert advice bringing Biblical principles to bear in this area. Some of the messages we’ve presented have taken the position that Christians can apply their faith in such a way that they can still work within the system they’ve inherited. Other messages have stressed that Christians need to be much more counter-cultural. Joshua Harris, for instance, has promoted a model of courtship that harkens back to a model used broadly before modern dating evolved.
People attempting to follow a courtship model within today’s culture, however, often run into a lot of practical questions, such as, “What if her dad is unavailable or uninterested in being involved?” or “What do you do when you live hundreds of miles from your family?”
The goal of this series of articles, beginning with this introduction, is to provide our readers with a place to bring those questions. Scott Croft is an elder at Capitol Hill Baptist Church where he teaches a seminar on Friendship, Courtship and Marriage. He is also an attorney who is used to tackling tough questions.
The answers he brings may be different from anything you’ve heard before. The topics he’s going to be dealing with are ones in which equally committed Christians have found different Biblical interpretations. Not all will agree with Scott’s approach, and we invite feedback from anyone who believes there are better interpretations for the Biblical passages Scott draws from.
It’s our hope that this Q&A series will be valuable both for those who think the Bible gives sufficient guidance for operating within our current system as well as for those who are looking for a completely countercultural path to marriage.
Articles in the Biblical Dating series so far:
The Guided Path
This is the 3rd post in a series I am doing on the book, 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life (ed. Alex Chediak, Th1nk Books, 2005).
John MacArthur gives the following endorsement:
“Recent books on courtship and dating have raised some difficult questions about the proper approach Christians should take for finding a life partner. This book lays out the major views and unpacks their scriptural arguments. If you’re trying to understand all the views and think carefully through their biblical merit, here is the book you are looking for.”
Chapter 3 is written by Dr. Rick Holland. If you are familiar with the ministry of Grace Community Church in Sun Valley, California, then you will be familiar with Rick Holland, as he is the College and Student Ministries Pastor there under the shepherding of Dr. John MacArthur. Rick is also a frequent conference speaker and a professor at The Master’s College and Seminary.
Chapter/Path 3 (Rick Holland):
The Guided Path
Definition
Guided dating is defined by ten principles that can guide your decision making in your dating relationships. These principles seek to honor Scripture, through there is not one biblically defined way to meet and marry the love of your life.
Distinctives
- Adhering to one particular method, such as courtship or casual dating, can be dangerous because you can become more interested in the rules than in the principles
- Dating is perfectly acceptable but is not to be done casually
- Christians should carefully seek guidance from the Word , parents, friends, and other Christian influences to receive confirmation that going forward with a dating relationship is a good idea
- Honoring the ten principles is more important than whether or not you date or court — the principles are applicable for any relationship regardless of the method used.
- God is more concerned that you are the right kind of person than whether or not you are using the “right” system.
Key Verses
Key Benefits
- Not choosing one particular method for dating can give you freedom in your choices and also encourage you to focus on the person you are rather than the practice you choose.
- With less structure in this approach, you have to be mature about your dating decisions. Dating is a great opportunity to flex your maturity muscles.
- These principles will help you become a better person, whether you’re interested in someone right now or not. They will prepare you for a time when you are interested in someone.
- The guided approach is realistic and relevant to today’s culture of singles.
Potential Problems
- Perhaps the biggest danger in this approach is the possibility of making relationships into a simple checklist or series of hoops to jump through.
- Just as with any other approach to dating, there is the potential to become legalistic in following the rules and forget about following the Spirit.
- As the benefits state, maturity is a key element to this approach. Ask God to continue to develop your relationship with Him in order to make wise dating decisions.
Personal Reflections
The Courtship Path
This is the 2nd post in a series I am doing on the book, 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life (ed. Alex Chediak. Th1nk Books, 2005).
Dr. Albert Mohler, President of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, gives this endorsement:
Dating is an issue of Christian controversy — and for good reason. This fascinating new book brings together some of the most important thinkers and writers on this issue, producing a dialogue that will stretch the mind and encourage Christian thinking. Read this book — it’s sure to become a focus of much conversation.
If you missed my post on Chapter/Path 1, make sure you read up on the Countercultural Path before reading on!
Chapter/Path 2 (Douglas Wilson):
The Courtship Path
Definition
Courtship is the active, involved authority of the young woman’s father (or head of the household) in the formation of her romantic attachments leading to marriage.
Distinctives
- Courtship is not egalitarian because it believes in a female submission to a male head of the home.
- If there is an absence of headship, either because of neglect or a literal absence, young couples should seek out advice from their church on how to continue their courtship. This will probably result in an assignment of surrogate parents.
- Physical involvement when courting should be completely avoided. After the couple is engaged, it should be limited to holding hands, brief kisses, and hugs.
- The will of God is rarely an acceptable excuse to conduct courtship in a self-defined way, such as a man pursuing a woman who has repeatedly rejected his interest in her.
- Platonic relationships are a myth and are not an excuse to spend one-on-one time with a member of the opposite sex outside of courtship.
Key Verses
Key Benefits
- Love develops within a supportive, protective, and encouraging environment.
- Sexual purity is more realistic and attainable.
- Trust in the relationship results because intentions are more obvious from the get-go.
- Baggage occurs less often because all aspects of the relationship are more intentional.
- Courtship creates an environment for obeying God by honoring one’s parents.
Potential Problems
- Courtshippers may become overzealous to the point of forcing their method on others.
- Parents may become domineering and manipulative, using the authority of courtship to make unwise, ungodly decisions in all areas of their children’s lives.
- Couples may claim they are courting to appear Christian but may ignore the real principles and make up their own unhealthy rules.
Personal Reflections
The Countercultural Path
While I’m in the process of reading through 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life (ed. Alex Chediak. Th1nk Books, 2005), I thought it might be helpful for me to share the summary from the end of each section.
The five paths are explained by some of the top representatives of each viewpoint, and they each provide a solid description of what their paths entails theologically and practically.
From the editor’s introduction, it is that their is no one right way of doing relationships, but hopefully we all can appreciate the strengths of each methodology. And by the Spirit’s empowering discernment, may we find our own niche and personal dating style from all the biblical principles described.
Chapter/Path 1 (Lauren F. Winner):
The Countercultural Path
Definition
Countercultural dating maintains that the real issue is not to determine a correct dating method but instead to live entire lives — including dating relationships — in obedience and devotion to Christ. Countercultural dating is chaste, it is communal, and it is oriented towards marriage.
Distinctives
- When considering how and when to date, the most important thing to remember is that Christians are called to love first God and then their neighbor. All dating (and every relationship, in fact) should be centered around that command
- Christians are called to avoid conforming to the world. Sensitizing themselves to contemporary trends will help them avoid turning the focus of dating from Christ and to themselves.
- While dating should be oriented toward marriage, breaking up or even dating for the sake of dating isn’t necessarily improper. All things considered (especially age), dating implies marriage but doesn’t necessarily end in marriage.
- A person’s Christian community can and should play a significant role in deciding whom to date and eventually marry.
- Although chastity is an unavoidable call in Christian relationships, it is more than line drawing; instead, it should turn a person from self-centeredness to Christ-centeredness. Kissing can be an appropriate way of expressing sexuality without being sexually immoral.
Key Verses
- Mark 10:29-31
- John 7:7; Romans 12:2; 1 Peter 2:11; 1 John 2:15 (countercultural)
- Hebrews 13:4
Lauren, however, is quick to point out that one must read Scripture not as a collection of key verse that can be isolated from one another but as a large, beautiful coherent story that reveals truth as much through the whole as through the component parts.
Key Benefits
- Dating can be a godly way to not only meet the love of your life but also learn to love as Christ loves — which includes being hurt, a common symptom of love.
- Dating builds character and can help you make smart decisions about your future mate as you learn to balance romantic love and practical love.
- It’s fun! Dating, no matter your age, is an enjoyable way to spend time with another person.
- When you date and even are infatuated, you are able to distinguish a unique love that can be selfless; it can give you a glimpse of what it would be like to love your neighbor all the time.
Potential Problems
- There’s a thin line between having fun and getting to know each other and diving too deeply into premature physical or emotional intimacy. Walking that line can be a difficult exercise.
- Depending on your age, stage in life, or call by God, dating may not be appropriate for you.
- In the flurry of falling in love, you could loose the ability to make good decisions or lose sight of your goals. Whether it be through family, church, or godly friends, be sure you allow your community to play a role in your relationships to keep you accountable and available to Christ’s body.
Personal Reflections
A Tale about Love Found and Lost
If I you have only known me for two months, you probably do not know that I am quite the sensitive, passionate, emo kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. Thankfully (and fortunately) things have been very far from “dramatic” here for me here at Southern, which is quite the complete opposite of what I experienced back in my undergrad at Ryerson University in Toronto. I am glad I am done and done with that stage of life, even though it is hard to remember and impossible to forget
I have always been interested in understanding people and figuring out why they do what they do. I have a B.A. in Geographic Analysis, but in my undergrad I actually took a lot of elective courses from my school’s Psychology department — almost enough to have a minor in Psychology. Other than the introductory Perspectives in Psychology, I also took Abnormal Psychology, Psychology of Sports, Environmental Psychology, Understanding Society (Sociology) and my favorite, Psychology of Human Sexuality.
Even these days, I still pay extra-attention to people’s body language and eye contact, continually trying to decipher if their body language matches their speech, and if not, what they’re body language is really saying. I hope this character trait would be of some sort of benefit to ministry. I think it’s just the way I am wired, that I can be a very expressive person and subsequently, am very interested in what lies beneath human behavior. And if you really knew me, then you’d know that I am most intrigued by the behavior between significant others.
I love watching UFC, the Argos when they’re good, and the Leafs before they started sucking badly. However, I also have almost every novel by Nicholas Sparks (a novelist from North Carolina who is a professing Catholic). He is the author of the novels behind those really badly filmed tear-jerky chick-flick movies “A Walk To Remember” and “The Notebook“. I read both those books in their first edition paperbacks long, long, long before any movie studio even remotely considered making any Nicholas Sparks books into movies. (The work done on the movie version of “A Walk To Remember” left out a huge part of the Christian facet that was present in the novel; the movie version of “The Notebook” was better but still over-sexed to Hollywood standards and was not even close to being as powerful of a story as the book, imho. Fortunately, the movie version of “Message In A Bottle” came pretty close to the substance of the novel and didn’t tone down the maturity of the story or characters.)
I currently am only missing “Dear John” from my collection, which is about a relationship that surrounds the events of 9/11; I’m holding off from reading that one cause the added 9/11 emphasis makes it an extra-heavy leisurely read.
However, Nicholas Spark’s latest release arrived in the mail the other day, and it looks to be a new tale about love found and lost, and the choices we hope we’ll never have to make. I hope to start reading this one soon for leisure, once I finish True Believer:
The Choice
Travis Parker has everything a man could want: a good job, loyal friends, even a waterfront home in small-town North Carolina. In full pursuit of the good life— boating, swimming, and regular barbecues with his good-natured buddies—he holds the vague conviction that a serious relationship with a woman would only cramp his style.
That is, until Gabby Holland moves in next door. Despite his attempts to be neighborly, the appealing redhead seems to have a chip on her shoulder about him . . . and the presence of her longtime boyfriend doesn’t help.
Despite himself, Travis can’t stop trying to ingratiate himself with his new neighbor, and his persistent efforts lead them both to the doorstep of a journey that neither could have foreseen. Spanning the eventful years of young love, marriage and family, THE CHOICE ultimately confronts us with the most heartwrenching question of all: how far would you go to keep the hope of love alive?
If you have never read a Nicholas Sparks book, I highly recommend it! You’ll certainly feel refreshed afterwards, I can almost guarantee it
With One Voice - to the Glory of God, part 2 of 2
This is the conclusion of my review / summary of Alex Chediak’s book, “With One Voice”. (Part 1 is here) Note: this is quite an extended post since it’s a transcription of my own notes of the book)
Leading and Submitting
The fourth chapter of With One Voice further describes masculinity and femininity for Christians as the primary roles of leading for the man and submitting for the woman. As with any modern Christian book on dating, I thought this was a necessary chapter (albeit a repeat from all that I have read about the topic) because many Christians and most unbelievers have a marred view of leadership and submission due the noetic effects of sin. When you bring this up in church or in any non-church setting, telling woman that they should “submit” to their husbands is a taboo topic — and even where it is not taboo, it is still frowned upon or eye-brow raising. Nevertheless, leadership and submission is not contradictory no matter how much our society dislikes it; it is biblical and that is exactly what Chediak contends.
The author concedes that “mature masculinity is neither chauvinistic nor passive“, and thus these two perversions of biblical manhood are explained for their inconsistencies and practical implications. Passivity is defined as “where a guy simply gives a woman what she wants when she wants it, and fails to take initiative or assert himself so as not to be an imposition” (74); it is the bigger problem of the two in Western culture, and consequently much harder to detect. Male chauvinism is defined as “he [who] forces his will upon others by sheer, unbridled strength” (76) and as such is easier to detect than passivity. It is an outright visible problem where many woman submit to such abuse because “they want to be loved, but have no positive standard as to how a man should treat them” (77).
Mature femininity, on the other hand, is neither obsequious nor domineering. It is not about the wife telling her husband whatever he wants to hear and doing whatever he asks her to do; it does not mean that she cannot strongly disagree with her husband on occasion nor does it “deny or exclude intelligence, rationality, and an ability to make a convincing argument” (79). “What a godly wife aims for… is an attitude that, while affirming his leadership, seeks to sharpen it.” Furthermore, the domineering women desire to rule over her husband and men around her only grieve themselves for emasculating the men in their lives. Biblical womanhood, hence, must not usurp the role ordained for her in Scripture.
In the course of this chapter, Chediak also tries to answer some practical questions. What does this mean for an unmarried man and woman in a courtship situation? How about a casual friendship with a fellow Christian at church, or perhaps with a coworker. Whatever the situation, men ought biblically to be responsibly and tenderly leading women, while women ought biblically be joyfully affirming the leadership of godly men. Such development of mature masculinity and femininity must be nurtured and encouraged within the family, church and workplace. And while it is true that an unmarried woman owe not submission to a man she is not married to, it would do her most benefit to encourage the guys around her to become worthier of receiving submission. For men, the opposite should be done: it would most benefit him to encourage the ladies around him to become worthier of leadership by demonstrating the sacrificial leadership that he will display as a husband.
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With One Voice - to the Glory of God, part 1 of 2
I’ve been jotting down a good number of notes for this book review / summary, so it looks like this will be a two-part series.
I recently read With One Voice: Singleness, Dating & Marriage to the Glory of God by Alex Chediak (with Marni Chediak), seeking a biblical perspective on singleness and dating that does not follow directly with theological dating frameworks of Joshua Harris or Cloud/Townsend. I first came across Chediak’s book last year when I found my way onto his website and found reviews and a good summary of it. I suppose I have been planning on reading it soon, but the plethora of books on Christian dating eclipsed this less popular work by a less popular writer.
As I have previously mentioned, Alex Chediak was an apprentice at The Bethlehem Institute under Pastors John Piper and Tom Steller. The Bethlehem Institute is the seminary-level training program of Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, MN. Alex is currently an Associate Professor of Engineering at California Baptist University, so it seems that he is pursuing his ministry and calling in a non-vocational role while earning a living as a professor of a non-theological subject.
What drew me to buy this book was first because of Chediak’s credentials as an apprentice under Piper, and further, the book’s endorsements made it very reputable (the endorsement at the top of the front cover is from none other than Al Mohler!). With all this in mind, I was hoping that this would bring a new perspective to the topic of singleness and courtship from a biblical (and likely a Reformed Baptist) perspective.
When the book arrived, I was somewhat disappointed at its large font size which basically averages to about 6 words per line in its overt Verdana-like font type. Add to that, the title page font and the number and titles at the beginning of each chapter are in a weird looking thin, faded font that made it look really out of place. In short, the design of the body of this book did not match its simple and attractive cover, and this short 150-page book should really be even shorter consider its use of a large, modern font. I certainly was hoping for a longer explanation of Chediak’s insights into relationships between Christians, but I felt somewhat shafted for what I paid for it.
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Alex Chediak on Dating non-Christians
In my leisure time, I am currently reading “With One Voice: singleness, dating and marriage to the glory of God” by Alex Chediak. In the last section of this short book, one of the FAQs concerns the issue of Christians dating non-Christians that I have been discussing earlier. (Chediak is currently an Associate Professor of Engineering at California Baptist University, and was an apprentice at The Bethlehem Institute under Pastor John Piper from 2005-2007)
The following is a direct quote of Chediak’s answer in full, from pages 141-142:
What about dating/marrying non-Christians? After all, don’t some people have happy family environments even though one of their parents may not have been a Christian? And likewise, don’t some have negative experiences in Christian relationships?
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Who do you think you’re dating?
Over the past six months, I have been confronted with the heart-wrenching news that three of my Christian friends are dating non-Christians / unbelievers. I have previously proclaimed my disgust here — for these are not simple-minded, young, baby believers who are committing this outright, public sin. These are well-seasoned and mature believers, servants and leaders in the church, and furthermore, children of parents who are leaders, elders, deacons in their respective churches.
I bring this topic up again because studying the Gospel according to Matthew for class over the past month has been personally convicting, and hitting really close to home — too much to be comfortable actually. I mourn because I fear that my friends’ spirits may not be poor enough to update me about their situation, nor humble enough to ask for my prayers. I write this because I am pleading with the Lord to have mercy and soften their hearts; I do not know what to do but to seek His kingdom and His righteousness by prayer and by His Word.
I certainly am in no way any better than them, and I write this not from some holy pedestal, but with an understanding that I could very well be one of them. When rightly tempted at the right time with the right temptation, I could easily see myself succumbing and falling just like them — to forfeit the biblical commands and my moral convictions and satisfy my need for friendship, companionship, love and sexual pleasure. If it were not for the grace of God and the Holy Spirit that has worked within me undeservedly, I would be even worse of a sinner than them — with my sins publicly displayed, I would easily be expelled from Southern Seminary or any other liberal theological institution for that matter.
But blessed be the name of the Lord; I am doing better than I deserve because of the imputation of Christ’s righteousness to me. And ’tis all because His forbearance with my impatient, deceitful heart.
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Vast As The Ocean
The following is an excerpt from Pastor Tullian Tchividjian’s recent blog post titled What is love? on his church’s blog.
For those who don’t know, Tullian is the grandson of world-renowned evangelist Billy Graham
(Emphasis below in italics are Tullian’s; bold is mine.)
From one perspective, true love is downright dangerous. In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis writes,
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal.”
To be sure, Lewis was not saying to avoid love. He was simply making the observation that real love is risky: it opens one up to the possibility of intense emotional ache. In fact, Lewis says, the only place outside of heaven where one can be perfectly safe from all the “dangers” of love is hell, and that’s because love is altogether absent there. Love, as the Bible defines it, is sacrificial. This, however, threatens our natural tendency to protect ourselves. We are afraid to give because we are afraid of being taken. But this self-centered fear is precisely why we so often miss out on true love. We have come to believe that love is first something we receive from others before it is something that we give to others. Someone once rightly said, however, that love is what exists between people who find their joy in each other’s joy. In other words, the real benefit of true love comes from loving others before it comes from being loved by others. To give, therefore, is to receive, not the other way around.
Continue reading Tullian’s post here.
Together we stand
You’re not alone, together we stand
I’ll be by your side, you know I’ll take your hand
When it gets cold and it feels like the end
There’s no place to go, you know I won’t give in
no I won’t give in
**
Keep holdin’ on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through–we’ll make it through
Just, stay strong
‘Cause you know I’m here for you–I’m here for you
There’s nothing you can say, nothing you can do
there’s no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
‘Cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
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Unlike Riding a Bike
People say that most things in life that is like riding a bike. You may not have done it in a long, long time, but despite the hiatus from that activity, you would still remember how to do it–how to balance and pedal once you get back on that bike for a ride.
Is it really true for all things in life? That because you have done it in the past, you will definitely remember how to do it today?… And you can just resume that activity, as if you never forgot how to, like you never even had that long hiatus?
I am a personal testimony to the fact that it is not always possible to just get back on the bike and start riding. After two years, (hypothetically speaking) I still have trouble getting back on the bicycle. It’s been so long of not cycling that I have a tremendous fear of falling, of slipping and sliding, of crashing and burning.
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