Memoirs of a Former Lead Worshiper

Back in January 2004, I took an “indefinite sabbatical” from worship leading. I had been leading music at church since I was a teenaged Christian — since around 1996 — when my home church moved into our own building and started having worship services in English.

If I recall correctly, the sabbatical period lasted about 6 months. I was cleaning my room at home when I was back in Toronto earlier this May, and I found the old journal entry that recorded the thoughts that lead up to the sabbatical. I also recall the issues at hand that lead to the much leaded time of reflection: the congregation I lead 1-2 times/month had lost the meaning of true biblical worship, and the things we sang became only lip-service to a God who certainly deserved a people who carried their crosses.

I had been passionately leading and shepherding the congregation through music with little notice from the pastoral staff for 7 years. In the months (and years) that lead up to my sabbatical, I remember pushing for a deeper spiritual depth in all that we sang, being very frustrated with the music ministry itself. For it didn’t seem like it was growing or maturing in terms of life worship. I was not physically or emotionally drained from leading every month, but I was frustrated about the where all my efforts to direct the teams I lead: nowhere.

Here is the journal entry:

Friday, November 21, 2003 (2am)

For the past 7 years, I have lead people to worship; I have been a leader. I’ve had to learn from my mistakes and those of my fellow leaders.

Over the past few months, I’ve realized that it’s about time that I take a long (1yr) break from doing things: serving, leading. I’m tired of doing this thing, week after weak, the same thing over and over again. I can’t do this anymore.

For once in my life, I want to follow and be lead. I want to learn from leaders and their strengths/weaknesses and to share with them my thoughts and ideas, my passions and my achings, so that they may also learn from me.

I can’t live my life helping others grow, and only be growing through making mistakes while leading. I want to be carried instead of just carrying others’ and my own burdens.

I want to be in a place and atmosphere where I can be free to just be me and worship Him freely. I can’t do this anymore… it’s about time to move on.

It’s been nagging on my heart for the past month. If I were given the opportunity to go on exchange to the UK, I’d jump on the chance. The Soul Survivor church there in Watford. I want to be there, every Sunday, learn, grow. For my sake, for His name and renown.

It’s time to start a revival, a revolution, a sacred revolution: undignified and solemn. Turn this world around.

Not to us, but to Your name be the glory, because of Your love and Your faithfulness.

If God allows and gives me that opportunity… “Here am I.”

I have to admit, I still love singing praises to our great God and if given the chance, I would take up my cross and humbly serve my local church congregation in leading them into musical worship.  However, I am still weary about the ill-effects that hyped-up emotional songs can have on the Christian, especially in the corporate worship gathering.  Words put to music can be very powerful and can evoke emotions that are not grounded in the text of Scripture or tested by the tempests of life.

The purpose of this post is to warn us of the dangers of spiritual shallowness of musical worship.  Having experienced what this can do to a local church congregation and their worship leaders, may we be devoted to personal spiritual growth.  Our public worship must never be louder than our private worship.  When our public worship exceeds the volume of our private worship, let us examine ourselves, to be convicted by God’s Word, to worship the Lord from the inside out, first and foremost privately, celebrating the greatness of the glory of God’s grace in Christ Jesus.

May this memoir be an encouragement to all current and former lead worshipers, that we would become more humble slaves to and worshipers of the audience of One.