Ask Dr. Ceren: A Brief History Of Relationships From The 1970’s To Now

© 2003-2006, Sandra Levy Ceren. All Rights Reserved.

Thirty years ago, divorce was less accepted and people stayed in ungratifying marriages for security. In the mid to late 1970’s, a radical change occurred. Anti discrimination laws allowed women to pursue careers never before readily available to them. Women no longer needed men for financial security or status. They gained satisfaction from their professional lives.

But, this brought a downside. Now women may be more stressed from work pressures or balancing career and family life.

Gradually, an openness toward sexual expression occurred and with it, a willingness to experiment with more partners. The value of monogamy began to erode bringing open marriage to the fore, but with the increase and awareness of sexually transmitted disease, many couples became more willing to commit to marriage.

Now living together without marriage has become more acceptable, allowing couples a chance to see how they get along together in shared quarters over time.

An increase in unwed mothers has occurred, especially with professional women. Single parent adoption offers an option to those without mates who want a family life. Better birth control is available. Abortion is no longer shunned in many quarters.

The arrival of the computer offers people instant intimacy online. If someone is already mated, these exciting relationships can destroy a primary relationship.

The younger woman/older man relationship still exists, but it is not as common among women satisfied with their own status as was the case thirty years ago.

Most women still prefer men who are strong, and have equal status to them.

There remain women with a strong need to control who prefer men who are passive and dependent. This arrangement may work for some couples.

Men are learning to adjust to assertive women.

Men are becoming more interested in shared parenting and show a willingness to share household tasks. They are accepting an equalization of roles more so than ever before.

Many emotionally healthy couples have come to value cooperation and see marriage as a true partnership. The partner who prefers to do, or does best a particular household task should do it regardless of gender. The woman may enjoy handling the bills and the man may prefer kitchen duties.

Laws regarding spousal abuse have made it no longer tolerated or ignored as much as it had been in the past, but it still exists.

Psychological healthy couples don’t jump into marriage. They realize it is better to get to know each other gradually. They are becoming aware of the necessity for respect and understanding of each other, to see each other as individuals with separate needs, to engage in activities with friends, career, recreational activities that do not have to be shared with a mate.

Healthy couples are tolerant of each other. They realize that not everyone feels, thinks or acts the same way, but they do share core values, integrity, fidelity, trust, respect, a willingness to be there for each other for their common good. They engage in a strong partnership, not a fly-by-night-see-you-later arrangement. They do not have doubts about each other.

People are more willing to enter therapy in attempt to save their marriage. They appear more serious about preserving what they have, and making it better. I see fewer serial relationships today than in former years. There appears to be a return of traditional life style with a nice twist: Stay at home Dads. More fathers take an active role in child rearing than ever before.

A grandfather took his toddler grandson to a birthday and was terrified to change the diaper. All the young dads were surprised that he hadn’t done it for his children.

There are more second marriages with children from previous marriages. This often presents problems. A blended family where the children are his, hers and theirs is complicated and takes a lot of compassion and understanding and a willingness to make it better.

Second marriages also can present another set of financial considerations with an assortment of bank accounts: his, hers, theirs.

Some things never change: Jealousy among the insecure continues to be the same threat as always. When couples are conflicted, frustrated and need therapy, prescriptions must be tailored for each couple. Basic things they need to work on continue to be communication skills, learning how to listen and putting oneself in the other’s shoes.

The following is a reproduction of an article by my brother and mentor in ministry, Pastor Ken Silva, of Apprising Ministries — previously offline due to allegations of slander by Richard Abanes.

I wish the reader to know that I truly was grieved to see that Richard Abanes felt that he needed to continue his dealings with me. As the pastor of a very small congregation known as
Connecticut River Baptist Church (CRBC), who had seen their teacher attacked by Mr. Abanes concerning a pastoral article which I had written called The Falling Away of the Evangelical Church, I felt that it was incumbent upon me to then protect my integrity in front of them. One needs to keep in mind at this point, that prior to all this, I was simply teaching a precious few, and really had no personal intentions of elevating my work beyond that scope.Now, however, as one who has very recently felt strongly led into ministry on a full time basis, and that even while receiving no full time salary from any of my Christian work, nor any financial assistance from any agency in point of fact, my Master has apparently seen fit to offer me the privilege to live what I write. And, it is from this strong conviction that I offer what I am about to share, for it is written: A man has joy in an apt answer, And how delightful is a timely word! (Proverbs 15:23, NASB) My walk with Christ is my life.

Actually, my initial feeling was to simply let this whole matter drop right from the beginning, and the truth be told, it was really at the behest of my wife Donna that I would end up writing the previous response Setting Richard Abanes Straight On My Rick Warren “Attack.” I am further persuaded that I am blessed to have a wife who is willing to stand shoulder to shoulder alongside me, and to also pay with me, whatever price we must pay in our humble stance (see–1 Corinthians 15:10) in this tepid generation for the absolute Truth contained in the Bible–no matter what–to the end. We had nothing before, and we are nothing now. What our Master may choose to do with us, we leave to His infinite wisdom.

It must be noted at the outset, that it was Mr. Abanes himself who made the decision to open up this forum for a virtually unknown work in Christ, when he originally chose to include me among his “critics of Rick Warren.” He subsequently made the decision to respond back to the defense of my character as a teacher and a researcher I had put forward, with his short, and more pointed rebuttal of my work.

By doing so, Mr. Abanes has now kindly presented me an even further forum. And this time as I prayed and asked Jesus what I ought to do, I was quickly led to the conviction that my Lord was helping me to realize that the lack of respect shown to me by Mr. Abanes in an international forum, and his completely groundless criticism of my research skills, yet again, would certainly have the potential to cause some that I teach to stumble.

And with joy in knowing that Apprising Ministries and CRBC truly belong to my Master anyway, as I read, and prayed about, Mr. Abanes’ rather shallow rebuttal, I began to feel that God would wish me to dialogue with him again, but this time specifically as a pastor/teacher in Christ’s Church, my biblical office in the Lord. For me personally, the mandate for this is found in the pastoral epistle Titus, chapter 3, and verse 10 – Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him.

It is my leading that the time has arrived for Mr. Abanes, regardless of who he might see himself to be, to come to understand that it is no light matter, in the midst of this growing apostasy, to continue to put forth his campaign of misinformation within the Church of our Lord. Read the rest of this entry »

So, my 25th birthday is coming up on September 28, and I’m counting down the days until the beginning of the end: when I turn a quarter century!

If you know me, I tend to pamper myself with one significant gift on my own birthday. However, with girlfriend in hand, she has become my second conscience, and thus I probably won’t be getting any of these — she won’t let me buy any of these for myself, for apparently it’s not necessary!

But heck, I’m going to throw this list out there anyways, … …just in case anybody wants to order me a BIG birthday gift!! :-)  Since y’all know that I’m a seminary student and a leather Bible connoisseur, all that I want is of the holy kind, The Holy Bible, and the holiest of all birthday wishes: the English Standard Version in Calfskin/Goatskin

• R.L. Allan “ESV 1″ Bible, Tan Highland Goatskin
• Cambridge ESV Pitt Minion Reference Bible, Brown Goatskin Leather [Amazon]
• Cambridge ESV Wide-margin Reference Bible, Black Goatskin Leather [Amazon]
• Crossway ESV Study Bible, Genuine or Calfskin
• Crossway ESV Classic Reference Bible, Burgundy Calfksin

(I’ve refrained from posting the prices of these holy goodies, but you can click through if you are moved by the Spirit to treat me!)

Or, just visit my Amazon Wishlist for random goodies I’m looking for!

Shipping Address: Read the rest of this entry »

Hi y’all,

I have missed writing to y’all over the past few weeks.  I’ve been really busy with school work, but now that I’ve finished everything for that summer class I should have more time to read blogs and write blogs.

As so happens after a season of rest from blogging, I do have lots I want to say.  I had a blog post half finished that I want to finish and publish, something that may push the buttons of some.  I’m looking forward to getting back into a roll with the blogging

Aside from work and school, I have been trying to spend more time with my girlfriend and depending on the week, I may be more successful than other days.  All things considered, I am very thankful for the work of God in our lives, how has brought us together and kept us together through faith in Christ, that we might be an encouragement to each other and a witness to the world for God. It has all been a gift of grace, something we do not deserve, something that is a miracle of God!  He has done great things, and we are only enjoying the benefits!

I will confess and admit that the big “M” word has been on my mind, something that I am constantly evaluating myself about, preparing my heart (and wallet) for, and submitting to the Lord about.  I grew up in the suburbs of Toronto and in a middle/upper-class Chinese church, and so my mindset about what is “normal” in terms of speed and how quickly relationships develop and move onto the next levels is much slower than what seems to be more normal to American Christians.

I do not think it is necessarily a Southern Baptist thing, as my sister sometimes criticizes, but I do admire the humility of many Christians (friends) who submit themselves to the Word of God in relationships by getting married sooner, rather than later (and later… and later).  In one sense, it is certainly better to be married younger / earlier than to suffer the pain and guilt of sexual sin, fornication, or a baby out of wedlock. I do not see any statistics about the success of marriages and age of marriage; the divorce rates are the same for Christians as non-believers.  While I genuinely believe that God’s grace abounds greater than sin will ever, I know that God does fill and empower us with the Holy Spirit to obey His Word and submit to His will for our lives.

In the past month or so, I found out about 3 couples I know who have gotten engaged.  I’m so happy for them :-)  None of them have known each other for more than a year, and some have only been seeing each other for 5 months at most.  So despite all the speediness of how quickly people around us do things, we are working hard to take things slowly but surely, going at a pace in which we both feel comfortable, preparing and planning, praying and petitioning the Lord about this and many other insecurities… getting to know each other as friends, as brother and sisters in Christ, and as boyfriend and girlfriend.  I know I have a long way to go in terms of becoming the kind of man that I want to be, for the Lord is still working in me to develop my manhood.  But thanks be to God, we have so many friends from church who are cheering and praying for us, keeping us accountable to physical and emotional purity; it is such a blessing to have such a wonderful Christian community to share our joys and struggles with.

On that note, I have been convicted at how unfair and sinful it is for young men who have been seeing a girl for 2+years and not ask their hand in marriage.  Leading them on in an extended relationship with no convenantal commitment is simply un-Christlike in manner, outright unfair, hurtful, and a disservice to that girl.  I do not wish this for any sister in Christ who has experienced this, and pray that the hand of God would work in all relationships, even in spite of the circumstances of life we find ourselves in.  I still find myself to be very Northern and slow in my opinion of these things, and pray that the Lord would convict me of sin in these matters as well.

On that note, it’s time for my prayer time and for bed.  Grace to y’all, and talk to you soon.

Anderson “The Spider” Silva vs. James “Sandman” Irvin in UFC Fight Night 14: Silva KOs Irvin within a minute — amazing. You gotta watch this video!

This is why AT&T lost my business and I switched to T-Mobile:

Dear Customer,
Thank you for your recent online purchase from AT&T.

Your order, number XXXXXX was canceled. Your credit card has not been billed.

Unfortunately, your order failed our online credit validation and a deposit is required. We recommend our GoPhone product, which does not require a deposit. Please take a look online at att.com/gophone to see all the great phones you can get with GoPhone service which has no annual contract, no credit check and lots of low cost plans.

If you still wish to place an order for a post-paid plan which requires a deposit, please visit an AT&T retail store near you as we cannot handle deposits online at this time.

If you have general questions about the online ordering process, please visit our common questions tool at: att.com/wirelesssupport

Thank you.
AT&T

And today, I received 2 letters via snail-mail with the exactly the same content:

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your recent application for wireless service.  Based on the absence of credit history for you from the credit bureaus listed below, we have required a deposit or advance payment before extending services to you. The credit bureau was not a part of the decision to request the deposit and is unable to provide you with the specific reasons why a deposit was required. You have the right to dispute the accuracy or completeness of any information in your credit report with the credit bureau and you may also receive a free copy of your report if requested within sixty (60) days from the date you receive this notice.

Thank you again for your application for service.
Sincerely,
AT&T

Thus, I now have a new Louisville (502) cell phone number. Please see my Facebook profile for the new number (visible to friends only)!

In September, your favorite author has a new novel hitting bookstores called THE LUCKY ONE, the unforgettable story of a man whose brushes with death lead him to the love of his life.

Is there really such thing as a lucky charm? The hero of Nicholas Sparks’s new novel believes he’s found one in the form of a photograph of a smiling woman he’s never met, but who he comes to believe holds the key to his destiny. The chain of events that leads to him possessing the photograph and finding the woman pictured in it is the stuff of love stories only a master such as Sparks can write.

THE LUCKY ONE will also be available in Audio Book, Large Print and eBook editions.

Visit Amazon.com for Pre-Order.