Difficult
I am a hard man.
Sometimes very stubborn, hard to change in terms of opinion and viewpoint; often “difficult”. I am a difficult person to get through to, especially in terms of theology (well, if you are Arminian, Emerging, contemplative, or liberal, that is). The way my theology comes out of my mouth could very well be considered “conservative”. Maybe that is just my character, and how I process situations in life. I almost always need closure and conclusions to everything that I go or think through.
However, in terms of pride, I am certain that this is a battleground that I must continually put up a fight. One of the refined sins I do unknowingly to others is thinking and sounding like I know everything when I truly don’t know anything, as well as self-image — that is, sounding good, looking good, and thus feeling good about myself.
There is a good difficult part to my personality, however, there is also a bad difficult to my personality. I seek the Spirit daily to discern the good difficult character of mine that is biblical orthodoxy that is distinct from the bad difficult character of mine that is pride and selfish ambition. This work of continual discernment is subsequently very difficult also, for it is a neverending process that I must put myself through everyday.
A process that is namely, preaching the Gospel to myself:
A battle rages within every one of us every day. It’s the clash between our sense of stubborn self-sufficiency and God’s call to recognize that we’re really nothing without Him. It’s pride versus humility. And it’s a fight we can’t win without looking repeatedly to Christ and the cross.
(from C.J.Mahaney’s book, “Humility”)
This means I must continually stop trying and to die to my own self-power by embracing the finished work of Christ on the cross that is the guarantee for my rigteousness. Daily, diligently, and deliberately I have to weaken my greatest enemy (pride) and cultivate my greatest friend (humility). Because of the great Lord Jesus who emptied Himself and took on the form of a bondservant, I too must empty myself of my difficultness every morning. To live a humble orthodoxy with biblical discernment.
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Furthermore, I also have a difficult life in front of me.
The life of a theology student, an aspiring theologian, Bible-teacher is an aspiration that is a long and difficult road. Especially in terms of pastoring, the beautiful bride of Christ that is the church is a body that is often seen as ugly and very unbeautiful. My mom has often reminded me to think twice (and a third time, and a fourth time) before committing my life to serving in the church (she’s told me this a little too late–after I was already answered my call and got accepted to SBTS). Growing up in our small Chinese Alliance church in the suburbs of northeast Toronto, I know very well of the issues and problems that my church has gone through over the 19 some years of existence, along with the numerous imperfections of lay leaders like myself, deacons, elders and even the pastors.
Through my parents and other “uncles” in the church, I am well acquainted with the dirty politics and not-so-Christian things that go on behind the scenes. I have been well warned, and yet, I charge on forward towards Southern and committing myself to a lifetime of service to His church. Thanks for the warnings to think twice and be careful before jumping in, but there is no other place or work that I would rather spend the rest of my days awake living for and dying for.
Why? Quite simply, because the church is the body of Christ that was purchased by Jesus’ very own blood (Acts 20:28). Since the Lord was completely devoted to His body and to His sheep, and so He too calls me to humbly do the same.
To teach in a university or seminary would definitely be much easier than pastoring a church. The responsibility to shepherd sheep through preaching and counseling is of primary importance in the local church, something that ismuch harder to do because of the insurmountable need and desire I must have in my heart to care for people. For all people are in many different ways, difficult, in the bad way; the first letter of the TULIP reminds us of the state that we all find ourselves in as sinners before the holy throne of the Judge. Even while I know all the rights and wrongs that the Bible proclaims, confronting and counseling sheep when they already have wronged will be the most difficult part of the pastorate I can conceive right now.
How do I counsel somebody in my congregation who has gotten his girlfriend pregant? How do I counsel someone in my church who has given up her virginity before marriage, or is dating an unbeliever, or has gambled his life away? How about somebody who has committed adultery, or has killed a child while driving drunk, or who is pursuing a homosexual lifestyle? These are more extreme examples, but nevertheless, conceptions of issues that Christians and church-goers face who will seek me for help and counsel.
Dealing with them humbly is one thing. Doing so biblically is another. For God commands the shepherds of his flock to pay careful attention to the sheep He has put under their care, and declare the whole counsel of God in our churches. That means that I must not be a theological reductionist and just boil God down to He is “love”, but the path that must be taken is of biblical theology expressed in a practical, genuine, way in the community of church.
I covet your prayers. May the triune, living God of all give me a humble heart, to love Him first and thus to love His people. For the truth, for the church, for the world, and for the glory of God.
26 Therefore I testify to you this day that I am innocent of the blood of all of you, 27 for I did not shrink from declaring to you the whole counsel of God. 28 Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, [3] which he obtained with his own blood. [4] 29 I know that after my departure fierce wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; 30 and from among your own selves will arise men speaking twisted things, to draw away the disciples after them. 31 Therefore be alert, remembering that for three years I did not cease night or day to admonish everyone with tears. 32 And now I commend you to God and to the word of his grace, which is able to build you up and to give you the inheritance among all those who are sanctified.
