When should you forgive?

“My response to this question is: not too late and not too soon. How’s that for precise guidance?

Not too soon. I worry about “quick-draw” forgivers. Whenever you forgive somebody, you blame them. If you don’t blame somebody for something, you don’t have to forgive them. Responsibility and blame are always sewed up in the hem of forgiving.

I worry about people who forgive before they have really asked themselves what actually happened. Is that person truly to blame? You know, it is possible to forgive people who don’t need to be forgiven.

Sometimes people forgive fast to avoid the pain. They reason, “If I forgive quickly, I won’t experience the pain.” You don’t forgive to avoid the pain. You forgive to heal the pain. And you won’t heal the pain unless you have felt the pain. Give yourself some time to forgive–not too fast.

But not too slow, either. If you wait too long, bitterness and resentment gets woven right into your personality. It becomes part of you. Then trying to get it out is like trying to get a spoonful of ink out of a glass water.

Here’s a key point. Don’t wait for the other person to repent or to say, “I’m sorry.” Don’t wait for a grovel. If you say, “I’ll forgive him when he comes on his knees and begs for it,” you are taking your happiness and peace and saying, “Here, it’s up to you. You decide whether I can ever get free of this pain or not.” You’re giving the other person who clobbered you once the privilege of deciding when you’re going to be free and happy again.”

-John Ortberg, et al. “Session Five - Forgiveness.”
Groups: The Life-Giving Power of Community.