I don’t know

I write this post reflecting on some things a friend of mine wrote earlier, and also just as an accumulation of a few things that have been building up.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been having a good number of talks with my sister.  The other night we ended up talking about what kind of person I would like.  I kind of brought it upon myself, because honestly, I’m just in a zone, in state of mind, where I have realized that I don’t know.

I don’t know what I want.

We talked about external things, and more specifically outward appearances.  I just shared that there are various types of styles: ones who wear tight lowrise jeans with leather boots that have that fluffy trim, and a puffy winter jacket with a faux fur fluffy trim; the kind that brushes their hair over their ears every 3 minutes just to express their girliness; there’s the ones who wear sneakers and t-shirts all the time; there is the cutsy adorable asian types who can be very hard to resist because of their nagging; there is the proud chin-up I-know-I’m-hot and I-want-things-my-way wearing brand/designer name clothes all the time kind; there’s also the kind that looks nice and good and seems very good & religious but probably have alterior motives and a loaded past; there’s a kind that takes real good care of themselves physically by working out and wearing Lululemon athletica clothing all the time to show off what a great bod that they’ve worked hard to get; I could go on and on… but there’s also that one kind who is the typical pure princess type who never goes anywhere without a complete matching outfit and a shiny purse even if she’s only out for coffee or  grocery shopping.

I can’t for the sake of me figure out what I like or would want.  Mentally, I have just put it all off and thrown it all out.  I’ve watched a lot of tv, and every character I see seems outwardly attractive somehow but all the while still have a huge downside/baggage/issues attached to them.  I don’t care to figure out what I want; I don’t feel like picking and choosing a type, or finding a mix and a match of a type.

I simply don’t know what I want, in terms of the person’s outward appearance.  My own wardrobe changes from week to week, day to day, depending on how I feel; sometimes I feel flowery, other days I feel like standing out with a bling shirt, or with some T that has a humourous sentence, and other days I feel prepy or plain simple.  I would hope that my significant other would match well wardrobe wise with how I look.  Afterall, we often express ourselves and how we are feeling by our dress and I hope that there is truthful expression in it–not just laissez-faire I-don’t-care how I look.

All the outward means nothing, that appearances are deceiving, especially if there’s no humility, grace and a heart after God on the inside…  but the inside, I have previously ranted about, which is hard to find.  Very hard.  It’s been suggested that I just go to seminary and find a semarian gal who thinks and is interested about those churchy things and all the while is an idealistic/romantic as myself.  I am very much just ready to do just that, for the sake of the gospel and my call to ministry of course!  It’s just that the outward just seems more tangible right now, something I can see, but it also can be a negative thing in that it may seem like I am filtering first via the outwardly.  But the truth is, I recall saying this to a friend about a year ago: it doesn’t matter how hot you look, if you can’t earn my trust then I will not open my heart to you.

I heard from a friend that the worse feeling other than loneliess is feeling lonely and feeling like you are alone in feeling that way.  Being alone in your loneliness.  I don’t think I am in this kind of a state at all, only that I cannot get a grasp on what I want from this life and the things that would make me happy.  I wonder why there are so many people who seem to just have it easy in terms of relationships, and then there are ones like myself who seem to have it soo much harder; often I feel cheated by God out of a good thing… but then I remind myself that everything on this earth is by grace, so I shouldn’t complain, right?

And as hard as relationships are & knowing that it will always take lots of work, I just want it all to be easier, less complicated, less mind-numbing head-aching, and more natural, easy flowing, simple, second nature.

It’s like, what do you do when the world throws you a lemon: do you make lemonade, or do you add vodka?  What if you don’t want lemonade or vodka, but rather iced tea?  Or a long-island iced tea, which has lemonade, vodka, and iced tea? This is such a conumdrum that I even have a hard time figuring myself out.  Consider Christmas: what do I want for Christmas?  If I could put that into words, I probably would have gotten it already.  I have tried not to desire earthly things and wordly treasures, and just set my desires on things above and making a difference for God through being a good servant of Christ… but something is still missing, lacking, “not there” yet.

And it just kills me from trying get a goodnights sleep for a long time now.  When you fall asleep, or at least when I do, I try to dream about this ideal situation, dream life, a picture of what it all should be like… some sort of hope for tomorrow that will put me to sleep.  However, I cannot come up with any images or pictures to fall asleep to, I don’t have that something to look forward to waking up.  It’s just blank. Tabula rasa.  And it’s not that I don’t have any life goals or ambitions–coz I do–but I just don’t know… I really wish I could wrap my head around it.

Maybe I’m still so scarred that I can’t even put my heart on my sleeve; bottling it all up; unable to trust anybody with my true heart and soul to let anybody in.  Where do I go from here?  I don’t know.