I read this and I lauged at the humour herein, and yet I was also saddened by a lot of the truth in each of the 5 points.

Unfortunately, a few of remarks are low-blows directly at Mark Driscoll.  It’s unfortunate that some dislike Driscoll so much and are so very critical of his vernacular, and yet it is still a sign that many still relate him to the emerging instead of Reformed.  I will side with John Piper: I like Mark!

Anyways, here it is, TULIP according to emerging/emergent beliefs (according to Steve Camp):

1. Total Ambiguity
• Methodology over message
• Truth is abstract; fluid, and liquid
• Conversation over gospel proclamation
• Ecumenism over doctrinal unity
• Contantly inventing a new spiritual meta-narrative
2. Unconditional Pragmaticism
• Seeker sensible and seeker sensitive
• Whatever works - do it
• Numbers justify everything
• Program enriched
• Felt need, culture-driven
3. Limited Theology
• Doctrine diminished and not primary; it is the afterthought
• Truth claims remain vague and undefined
• No definitive agreed upon statement of faith
• Very little biblical definition of ministry
• Recommended reading lists of their networks remain liberal and pragmatic
4. Irresistible Contextualization
• Truth must be adapted to and defined by culture
• The audience, not the message, is sovereign
• The focus is to be relevant and relativistic
• Being missional is marked by methodological inroads, conversation, and cultural discernment of the times - not the proclamation of the gospel
• Speak of the humanity of Christ in crude terms to make Jesus relatable over reverence of the transcendence of Christ
5. Postmodern Perverse Speech
• Being known as the cussing pastor is good
• Unwholesome talk is cultural not biblical
• Coarse scatological speech is a matter of personal taste
• It makes you cool to other Emerging/Emergents
• If you challenge it, you are labeled as Victorian and out of date

Here is the real 5 points of Calvinism, aka TULIP.