A good friend asked me that earlier today at church, and I’ve been thinking about it throughout the day… and I just do not know what to say.  I haven’t said much lately, I know… I don’t really have an outlet or live public forum to release any of my thoughts and feelings about worship, the emerging church, reformed theology, and the need to defend our churches against the neo-liberalism/contemplative spirituality that quietly seeps into our congregations.

All in all… that’s what I think about day in and day out–it’s actually nothing that exciting to most of you reading this–but it is all important to me.  It matters to me.  And maybe it is because I’m struggling right now to follow my calling… wading the waters of what I should do, what I want to do, and what needs to be done.

I know I am called to preach God’s Word as He desires it to be heard, and I know I should be going to seminary to learn, study and get that M.Div.  Herein, there’s enough debate within myself to do the right thing, follow God and obey Him about when and where I should be going for seminary.

What needs to be done is quite simply to earn the money to pay for seminary… cause I don’t have the kind of money that is required for a 3 years masters degree and the living expenses of living by myself.  I don’t want my parents to be burdened by my vocational aspirations, as holy and honourable as they may be.  That’s why I need to pursue my career right now–to use the B.A. I have already earned, and use the knowledge and skills that I have already attained to make a decent living, to save up for seminary, and to save up to start a family.

As much as finances aren’t an issue for me and as much as I do not worry about finding a real job right now… I honestly just wished I had that kind of mustard seed faith to just go and totally not worry about how I’m going to get there.  Maybe it’s a weakness of mine, and maybe it’s just me wishing I was more Charismatic.  I just wrestle with whether I am taking the right path, even while I know what I’m doing now is what needs to be done.  Even while all of this is within God’s sovereign will of decree, is what I’m doing in accordance to His will of command–am I going thru the process that God wants me to go through?

A reason why I haven’t talked about what I’m thinking myself lately…. is that I know that a lot of it is just bad thinkings, and bad feelings.  How I am perceiving everything is just soo…. humanly that it freaks me out, wanting simply to be more Christ-like.  As much as I talk about theology and the Biblical positions I believe in… I’m scared of telling you what I really think and feel because it might show me to be the true person I really am beneath all the God-talk.  Like every normal 23 year old Chinese Christian in this part of the world, I am scared about the future.  I feel lonely, incompletely, like something is just not quite right with my life/world without a family of my own.  I feel overwhelmed by the task in front of me to preach God’s very own words and none of my own… I feel small, kind of like Timothy, young, inexperienced and unknowledgeable and not completely trained to take on the responsibility of taking care of other sheep.

My pastor locked out the congregation this morning from the sanctuary for the whole opening music set during Sunday Service cause most people were just overly late.  I’ve seen the responsibilities & authority that he’s been given (albeit too much) and I am humbled that he’s got the willingness to take it on his shoulders.  Having learned enough about ecclesiology & how different denominations manage their churches, I know that I would not want his job, especially in this Alliance church structure.  I am thankful that he has accepted the Divine burden of taking care of us sinful sheep, and pray that God would give him the strength to persevere missionally, and to discern discern and discern everything he reads in this crazy postmodern age so that he learns to preach God’s all-sufficient and infallible Word expositionally.  And for my church, I pray that we would grow to become a church that is Biblical and missional in all we do.

With my job interview in Ann Arbor, Michigan this Wednesday (details yet to be confirmed), I am scared of messing up.  I’m afraid of flunking it, not knowing what to say, not remembering the mapping/location theories, and not getting the job–and basically losing out on such a great job opportunity.  And other than this prospect in Michigan, I have nothing else lined up.   ~ Consequently, I’m also afraid of getting the job and all that it would require me to do; I just feel inadequate.  I would miss my church here at Jaffray, especially serving on worship team and teaching Sunday school; I would miss my family, my friends from church and from CCF.  I want to serve on Campus Challenge committee again this year, and I would miss out on that too.  And if I get the job, it would mean that the possibility of starting a relationship with any girl is zero to none.

Whichever way this job prospect turns out, if I get the job or not, I know that God causes it all to work together for my good according to His purposes… I just hope and pray that I can be happy however way it turns out.  It is a blessing, a gift of grace just to sit here and process these thoughts.  Thank you, LORD.

-SDG