This entry is a long time coming.  I had this post’s idea thought up on Sunday after our very small Ryerson CCF gathering @ Centre Island / Downtown… I originally titled it “Repentance”, but I then remembered that I was supposed to continue the 2nd part of a blog series called “Internal transformation” and so here it finally is, the long awaited sequel.  I wrote the original 5 months ago, and yet, after all this time, I still rememeber the jist of what this series is all about.  It is of utmost importance to me, thus I want to share my thoughts with you my readers.

When I was thinking about this whole idea on Sunday and the days leading up to it, Psalm 51 came to mind.  I read through it while waiting for the Ferry, and I invite you to take a minue to read God’s very own Words:

Be gracious to me, God, according to Your faithful love; according to Your abundant compassion, blot out my rebellion. Wash away my guilt, and cleanse me from my sin.   For I am conscious of my rebellion, and my sin is always before me.  Against You—You alone—I have sinned and done this evil in Your sight.  So You are right when You pass sentence; You are blameless when You judge.     Indeed, I was guilty when I was born;    I was sinful when my mother conceived me.

Surely You desire integrity in the inner self,  and You teach me wisdom deep within.   Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;  wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.    8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones You have crushed rejoice.   Turn Your face away from my sins and blot out all my guilt.

God, create a clean heart for me and renew a steadfast spirit within me.    Do not banish me from Your presenceor take Your Holy Spirit from me.   Restore the joy of Your salvation to me, and give me a willing spirit.   Then I will teach the rebellious Your ways, and sinners will return to You.

Save me from the guilt of bloodshed, God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness.   Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare Your praise.  You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it; You are not pleased with a burnt offering.   The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit.   God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart.

In Your good pleasure, cause Zion to prosper; build the walls of Jerusalem.   Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices, whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on Your altar.

The reason being that my sister told me a few months ago to ask God for a new heart.  I don’t know how it came up, though I’m sure we were talking about matters of the heart–relationships.  (Here’s to wearing my heart on my sleeve!)  Coz you see, I have a broken heart.  Metaphorically speaking, my heart has been scarred very badly.  The scars are visible, and the pain although faint is still present even after 10 months.  The cause of this hurt was a girl.  She wasn’t just any girl, though damaged goods she was also.  I cared immensely about her and even gave up going on a 1-yr exchange to Manchester, England just so I can build the relationship and be with her.  While our time as a couple was short, I valued her in my life so much that I sacrificed a big academic dream for our relationship…  But she on the other hand felt otherwise.  May it have been due to me, not being “small heart”ed enough…or according to a very wise, Godly source–maybe she just lost interest over time seeing more attractive guys around her with a lot more money and better looks than me, using this “small heart”ed excuse as an exit… it really doesn’t matter anymore; it just didn’t work out.  She broke my heart, and that was the “Summer of 2005″!

Long paragraph.  … My heart is broken.  Some people would say they’re damaged goods having messed up bad, and all things considered, I think I am too.  If we were to consider my damaged heart a mirror that was originally intended to reflect God’s glory, then you could say that an apple/fruit (being sin, self-centeredness) was thrown at my mirror and shattered it into many, many pieces.  There were times I felt like I was dead and barely alive.  My mirror was smashed, and even though it is now fixed & glued all back together by the amazing grace of God, it still cannot reflect God’s glory and renown like it was able to before.  The reflection is blurred by the cracks and crevaces in between the pieces of glass, the super-glue used unable to make this mirror perfectly reflective again.  I need a new mirror.

Or back to the heart analogy–I need a new heart.  I’ve been praying to God to give me a new heart.  I need a heart-transplant by the Doctor.  God, I need You to create in me a new heart.  This old, broken one cannot suffice–it is not effective in magnifying Your true greatness!  I need a new one so that I can again do what I was made to do, be who I was meant to be: worship, pure glory.

I’ve done a lot of repenting over the past 10 months.  And all this time, I didn’t actually understand completely what it meant…nevertheless, I still think I was doing it genuinely, from a broken and contrite heart.  Learning of its meaning has only enhanced it’s depth in life–it is something that transforms man from the inside out, and not the other way around.  Repentance is an internal change of heart and mind, rather than just a mere sorrow for sin or mere improvement of behaviour.

Some people think that repentance is just a complete 180-degrees turn from doing what they used to do.  They are correct, but only in part.  Just because you change your behaviour 180-degrees, does not mean that you have your heart and mind changed!  And if you have not had a heart transplant yet, serving more–taking on a bigger ministry, leading musical worship, teaching more Sunday School, leading more Bible studies, and helping out on your Fellowship’s planning committee–doing all these good repentant-like things cannot and will not change your heart.  External modification won’t cause an internal transformation.  Sooner or later, and more likely sooner, as time goes by, as you keep on trying by your own strength to do good and repay your debt to God, Satan will tempt you and you will fail in your own self-power and self-trying to live a godly life.  Everything that you have done is meaningless if it does not come from faith, in God the Father, who is the Healer, the Doctor, the life changer, pride breaker, the only Creator and Sustainer of all of mankind.  As King David wrote in the above Psalm, God does not want a sacrifice of behavior from us and He won’t be pleased at all with us paying Him lip service by just doing better things for Him.

Changing your behaviour and just saying you are sorry will not change your heart and mind… No, it does not even come close to cutting it.  You see, the English word “repent” comes from the Greek word “metanoeo”.  It is a compound word.  The first part, meta-,  means movement or change; the second part, noeo-, refers to the mind and its thoughts, perceptions, dispositions, and purposes.  And thus, to repent means to change the mind’s perceptions, and dispostions, and purposes.  (Thanks to Piper for this definition)   In order for true, genuine repentance to happen, we must be “transformed by the renewing of our mind” BY GOD’s Spirit so “that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  That’s Romans 12:2.  And for us, whereas this symbol of our hearts basically entails our deepest dispositions and desires in life, this means that I need to be transformed by the renewing of my heart.  I need my heart to be changed; I need a new heart. 

“Repenting means experiencing a change of mind that now sees God as true and beautiful and worthy of all our praise and all our obedience” (Piper).  When this is heart transplant is complete, genuine worship in behaviour will occur–my actions will overflow from a newly created heart of repentance.  Internal transformation will automatically, naturally, and reflexively trigger external modification, not the other way around.  As we embrace the grace that is in His Son’s glorious face, the fruit we bear will be in works–the working out of our salvation with fear and trembling, a joyfully worshipful attitude that we have been undeservedly given amazing grace and unending love!

In Sunday school this past week I taught a lesson on the Biblical qualifications for overseers/elders/bishops/pastors… And I’ve come to find that I have a lot more to do in terms of relying on God’s grace for my life if I am to continue contemplating seminary and His calling on my life.  I want the fruit of this internal transformation to be evident in my external modifications:  I hope and pray to be more blameless, more sober-minded, more self-controlled, more sensible, more respectable, more gentle, more passionate…. less materialistic, less self-centered more God-centered, less quarrelsome and a better listener, less stubborn and more caring.  This is all a must,  not just “good-to-haves” but absolute necessities…and these all flows from a heart of repentance.

“Stop trying to find the right person, and start being the right person.”

Over the last half-a-year or so, my contrite heart has been changed by God significantly aready; I’m done searching for a girl for my life who truly knows and fears God as much as I do…I’m awaiting a Christ-like woman to join me in this journey, accepting nothing less than a girl who has a repentant and submissive heart to God’s authority & sovereignty in her life, one who lives by God’s Word and relies on the Holy Spirit to lead a blameless life every second of her waking existence, seeking to embrace His power in her weaknessess so that she may be above reproach.  One who’s continually faithful to Christ through every high and every low, one who would love me for who I am and not what have done/can do.  High standards or a dream some would say, but I just think it’s what God desires of me to desire.  And I think it not a standard too high, for if it were, I would not have found somebody who embodies this already.

Therefore, in conclusion…I call all of you who read this to join me in repenting to God of our sins.  “Forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.”  Don’t be fooled by false doctrine and try start repenting by changing your behaviour.  Seek God with a contrite heart and He WILL renew Your Spirit–you WILL soar on wings like eagles do… He WILL give you a new heart, and you WILL undoubtedly live an even more God-glorifying life!  Coming out from a repentant heart will be praise in everything you do;-)

In the midst of a long heart-transplant,
SDG.