Please note: this is an expletive.  And hopefully, one of many more posts on this topic. 

I’ve been deliberately avoiding this for a while now… at least 2 months.  I tell myself, “There’s nobody, I’ve stopped searching.” I lie to myself, knowing that there could very well be somebody, but letting her be somebody would compromise what mentorship and leadership that I’ve developed in the friendship.

Part of me has avoided talking about it simply because I don’t want what we have to change… it’s so perfectly good just the way it is.  why ruin this perfectly good thing?  and yet, we know it could be even better.  another big part of me holds back from really opening myself up + caring about the other, this is because I am still scarred and hurt from the past… I am guarding my heart, in fear of getting slaughtered like a lamb amongst wolves.

I fear that getting to know another person better, really getting to know them, would open myself up to truly realizing how a great person she is.  How holy, how gracious, Christ-like, humble, devoted, beautiful, mature…  the confirmation from friends and sibling does not help, but only makes it all the more complicated.  I really don’t want to get into talking about this, but I know I have to sooner or later.  I am trying not to want this, and yet am trying to understand why God has placed such a humble n gracious woman of God in my life.

“I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over: I want to know right now what will it be?”

That’s the question… isn’t it.  A huge part of me just wants to wait it out for a good long while… It’s gonna have to be talked about, and when it does, I really don’t know what/where that will lead to.  “Age is but a number” is one of the major issues… It’s just wrong, cannot be.. it’s not right.  2 people at completely different stages of life.  So what if we decide to just stay the course as friends + bro & sis in Christ growing together for now, and see what may come 3-4 years down the road?  That’s a long time to wait, but is it worth it?  Will we have grown up by then?  Will we both wait till then to see if things are still the same?  Or will one of us give in, give up n find somebody else?  I have tremendous patience, imho, but can I really take such a long hiatus?  In perspective of a lifetime in communion, a few years is miniscule…but as I’ve sat and pondered this these past few days, I know my heart’s patience will be tested again and again.  I cannot, should not only live for this moment in time–breaking this trust of mentorship & leadership will ruin everything…I cannot, should not let or allow anything to happen at this age n time–it will not work.  and still, with the trust we have built, I think it is possible to seriously talk about this, as we have about everything else that matters to us.

We have discussed these issues and topics numerous times.  But even in it all, and even with all the clarity that we have in our current situation, there still lies a tiny speck of ambiguity, “hmmm”… that awkward feeling when nobody knows what to say, and yet I have this feeling in the heart.  So in essence, it really has not been talked about… and I gulp at this.  To start making plans and yet not sure of what the other is thinking and planning, would render my own planning useless, meaningless.  and since this is a journey of meaning, of pressing on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus… we have to talk about it seriously, even though part of it feels so impossible and yet so many things are falling into their rightful place in life.

Can you hear it in my voice
Was it something I let slip
Does the whole world know
Isn’t it obvious?

I’m the one who’s in control
Now I’m acting like a fool
Do my feelings show
Is my face aglow
Isn’t it obvious?

That I don’t know what I’m doing anymore
I’m feeling like a little boy
Caught up in emotions
I’m out of control
Isn’t it obvious

Ooh, yeah
Suddenly these emotions are in control of my heart
Can you see it in my eyes?
Every glance, every smile must give me away (Oh, whoa, whoa)
‘Cause I feel so much I can’t hide

 

I don’t want to fall to pieces, I just want to sit and stare at you.
I don’t want to talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation, I just want to cry in front of you.
I don’t want to talk about it–cause I’m in love with you.

Wanna know who you are, wanna know where to start..
I wanna know what this means.
Wanna know how you feel, wanna know what is real..
I wanna know everything…everything.
 

No hello.  No goodbye.  Not even a “hey”.  Whatever happened to our lives?  What is God really trying to tell us, even while we behave like this?  Is God really being glorified by this?

Of all the things I’ve believed in,
I just want to get it over with.
Tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry..
Counting the days that pass me by.

I’ve been searching deep down in my soul,
Words that I’m hearing are starting to get old.
Feels like I’m starting all over again..
The last 2 years were just pretend, and I said,

Goodbye to you..
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.
You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to.

I still get lost in your eyes,
And it seems that I can’t live a day without you.
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away..
To a place where I am blinded by the light, but it’s not right.

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.
I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine,
I want you–but I’m not giving in this time!

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 3:13-14, NASB

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.  Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
-Phillipians 2:1-4, NASB

Somebody–I don’t think I should say who–said a joke about Bible thumpers during sharing at fellowship tonite…It might have been funny, but for those of us thumpers (aka conservative, fundamentalists, right-winged, reformed embracers of sola scriptura) it’s not funny:(  Most pastors, theologians, Christian writers and pastors I admire would willingly thump their Bible when it seems that listeners just don’t hear it–the life sanctifying truth of God, that is Thy Word!  People like Mark Dever, Ligon Duncan, C.J. Mahaney, Albert Mohler, John Piper, John MacArthur and R.C. Sproul…

Argh!!

Here’s some quotes from the Together For The Gospel Conference, that just finished.  All the above Bible thumpers spoke at the conference and I’m sure, thumped their Bibles more than once during their sermon!

“The most insignificant sin that has ever been committed would ruin the entire cosmos, for it would mar the perfection that God created to reflect His glory. We steal God’s glory by every sin. We do not grasp the weight of our sin. Until we can bring home the ugliness of sin, Satan has another weapon in his locker. ” (Duncan)

“Pastors think there must be a light tone throughout the message which makes it impossible to discuss serious matters such as sin.” (Dever)

“If the average evangelical pastor would be held captive by terrorists and would need to give an adequate definition of justification to escape alive, well, we’d have a lot of dead pastors.” (Mohler)

“Sin and the wrath of God go together; you can’t have a Biblical doctrine of sin without the wrath of God.” (Mohler)

“One of the most effective evangelistic series our church has ever done was when I preached through everyone that God executed for sin.” (Mahaney)

“The single most important thing I do to awaken people to the gravity of sin is to increase their understanding of the character of God.” (Sproul)

“I preached a sermon on Romans 12:1-2 entitled “Don’t give your heart to Jesus; He wants more than that!” (Duncan)

“Who’s afraid of the wrath of God when we preach that God loves us unconditionally?” (Sproul)

“Most of the people who soft-pedal sin think the sin problem is a problem without, and not a problem within.” (Mohler)

“People have a stilted view of sin. We have a responsibility to show the ugliness of sin. Start with the misery that sin brings, then bring it back to the sin, and show how that sin looks to God. ” (Duncan)

“If you look back to the Puritans, they preached sin to believers, they preached mortification, and that is missing now.” (Mohler)

“We read one of the Commandments each Sunday at our church. The Law drives us to the Cross, and continues to reveal to us what is pleasing to God and shows us His character.” (Sproul)

“Hybels polled people and found that many had left church because they were bored; well, there is no record in the Bible of anyone personally encountering God and being bored. Our job is to present God in the fullness of His character.” (Sproul)

“Salvation gets reduced to an emotional experience which is mere affection for Jesus; there is nowhere in the Scripture that we are saved by mere affection for Jesus”. (Mohler) 

(HT: John Samson)

Here’s an old photo from about 1 year ago… those were the days. A classic picture of us, the original square, when all was peaceful and in harmony, in unity, when it seemed like we had the whole future ahead of us to share together.

All seems kinda bleak to me now…things have changed, people have changed, we have all changed. Some of us has grown older, and may it be, we have consequently grown up also… Just about 8months exactly has past, and yet 1 relationship still remains unreconciled, in limbo, unresolved…If it’s not resolved by the time Campus Challenge 2006 is complete, I don’nt know if it ever will.  Is God truly faithful in answering prayer?  Only time will tell…

And still, time goes by, seasons change, and yet nothing really remains the same.   Except for God Himself I would hope… and love, an agape, phileo love for 3 of my closest friends, of whom I would willing give my life.

Wow, this is swheet!!

Found the links @ Albert Mohler’s website in a recent blog post.

The Glenmary Research Center has produced “county-level choropleth maps” of America, marking religious identification. These are fascinating to review.

The map of all religious adherents indicates that the east and west coasts are more secularized than the heartland, with the Pacific Northwest the most unchurched of all major regions. The map of leading church bodies makes it appear that Baptists and Roman Catholics are dominant across the country, with the exception of Lutherans in the Midwest and Mormons in the Mountain West.

As for major Christian denominations, the Baptists are clustered in the South and Southeast, while the Methodists shift a bit further north and west. Presbyterians are more evenly distributed, while the Lutherans are perhaps the most regionally concentrated.

The Episcopalians (smaller in number) show unusual concentrations in the upper Midwest and in Alaska, while the Eastern Orthodox are clearly concentrated where immigrations patterns would suggest. The immigration pattern is at least a partial explanation for the shape of the map of Roman Catholicism as well.

No surprises when it comes to where the Unitarians are to be found in largest numbers (a smallish largest number, to be sure), and the same is also true of the United Church of Christ (with the concentrations in the Midwest explained by the old Evangelical and Reformed root of the denomination).

There are also maps for the Church of the Nazarene, Mennonites, the Amish, Congregationalists, Quakers, Pentecostals, and Restoration Movement Christians.

Maps of Mormons and Muslims are also provided, along with a most interesting map of Jewish population concentrations.

Maybe I should make it my personal project for the summer to make some denominational maps of Canada!

Check out www.thetruthaboutdavinci.com !

You or probably many people you know have read this popular fictional novel called “The Da Vinci Code” written by Dan Brown… the movie is coming out very soon, and once again, Christianity is under attack.  As Christians, we must defend the truth with wisdom and certainty about what our faith is and why we believe it to the very core, even enough to live every moment of our lives for it.

This website, started by Westminster Theological Seminary, is a response to The Da Vinci Code and strives to help us in our defense, by providing resources and answers to the popular questions like

• Is Jesus God?  
• Is the Bible true?  
• Was Jesus married?  
• Lost Books of the Bible - Are They Real?  
• The Sacred Feminine - What is it? 
• The Holy Grail? 

I highly recommend this free, online resource…and pray that we would be sanctified by the truth.  Definitely a link we should send to our friends and foes! 

“The truth is out there.”
-X-files

“When people stop believing in God, they don’t believe in nothing, they believe in everything.”
-Gilbert K. Chesterton

“A truthful witness gives honest testimony, but a false witness tells lies.”
-Proverbs 12:17

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
-John 8:32

“We have been struck by the great number of people whose faith has been shaken by the mixture of fact and fiction portrayed in this tale,” says Dr. William Edgar, professor of apologetics and faculty coordinator of the project. “We want to help them as they confront this phenomenon. While a number of ‘rebuttal sites’ exist, ours is meant to combine responses to distorted facts with our understanding of the spiritual and presuppositional issues that inform them.”

Among the resources provided on the website are articles, audio, videos, and book recommendations that set the record straight and commend the historic Christian faith. Additional features will be added soon. Use this website to answer any questions that you may have, as well as those who ask you, particularly in light of the immensely popular book and the upcoming film directed by Ron Howard.

*Check out also, the latest issue of Reformation 21 (the online magazine for the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals): there are articles on the “myth of Christian origins” & “the clear and distinct knowledge of God“ .

Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.
What can we do to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?