It’s been awhile since I last posted…”a while” according to my terms, which apparently I post very often and am hard to keep up with. For all those who think I post too often, how about you post a comment or 2, and maybe I’ll consider slowing myself down!

Past couple days have been hard.  I’ve been enjoying the weather and scenery, or at least I try.  Really, I’m doing fine.  I’m just wondering why on late Sat night I was asked like 3 times “What’s wrong?  Are you ok?”….Did/do I not look OK?  Is there something on my face, in my non-verbal communication that says I’m not ok? that something is wrong?

One of the thing is just that I realized that the life I am about to choose will have many sacrifices.  and sacrificing these things, time with various friends especially, is what scares me. my active choosing of what I want to do with my life, and how that may not include some people… and not being able to spend quality time with close friends, the whole thing with losing contact or willingly letting friendship slip away, this is what scares me.

I’m also scared that we are going in opposite directions.  i mean, i’m talking about you, and you too.  ~sighs~  It’s like we are in the same place geographically in life, but going in opposite directions in life.  I’m afraid that one day, when I come home from work or school… that you wont be there, that you’ll have gone somewhere else. or the other way around, that you’ll have stayed and I’ll have left.  either way, on this road of life–I’m also scared of asking you to choose.  If “we” started happenning, I would not ask you to sacrifice your life and career just for me..I would not ask that of you, that just wouldnt be fair.  Like my sis said, hopefully 1 of the 2 would willingly choose to support the other.  And I cannot bear the thought that the other, that is you, would not be willing to sacrifice for me, coz I hope you would.  of course, I would be more than willing to support all that you do and all that you are–if you’d let me.

I love pink.  I’ve got this lil Pink short-sleeve Guess shirt and planning to get this pink Hollister polo..  Pink, it’s just like red, but less bloody dark in colour… it’s softer, more pleasant, calm, a feeling of comfort…peace. serenity.  constancy.  and of course, love.that’s what I feel when I see pink, when I wear pink: i just feel….good.  as good as God can make you feel.

The past couple days, I’ve just been weighing the costs and benefits of all that I want to do, telling you the truth, picking up the phone and calling you, or even scarier, taking you aside and telling you straight up or asking you to do something crazy with me.  My imaginary list has a lot of benefits jotted down and a lot less costs… but from the lack of action on my part these past days, that one huge cost is outweighing the countless benefits.  Open wounds I am still hurting from.. I thought it’d heal by now, and I guess it has–but I’m just scared shitless that I’m gonna get cut and hurt bad again.  And so, this is me, guarding my heart as best I can…maybe it’s why I’m not opening myself up that much to you, maybe it’s why i’m not taking that huge jump over the cliff to see you, to hear your voice.  I want to get to know you better, I want to be with you…but I’ve chosen not to do anything drastic since I’ve realized who my heart beats for.  I’m scared that you’ll hurt me, that I’ll get hurt.  and right now, i’m not willling to take the risk.

But then, I’m also scared that you’re gonna leave.  that sooner or later, though we are here right now, that you’re not gonna be anymore…that the anchor will be lifted, and you’re gonna sail off somewhere.  I’m scared that my one constancy in this life will be lost.  I also know that I want to achieve great things, things that’ll mean I’ll be gone outta the province, maybe even outta the country for a long time, even 3yrs…and I just don’t know if I can take that either.

If you ask if i’m ok, maybe i’ll tell you the truth, or maybe I’ll lie.  coz lying protects me from admitting the truth…the truth which freaking hurts.

Maybe I’m being too careful with letting the chemistry boil to anything close to bubbly, and maybe even extra careful with opening my heart to this real-life excercise for a real work out.  I mean, I’ve heard it said, that if you’re always looking for reasons NOT to be with somebody, then you’ll always find them.  I guess at some point, I just gotta let go, and give my heart what it deserves…

Looking for that point..
SDG

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive