When I don’t pick up the phone

Wuss.  noun.

1. Implies effeminate, unmanly characteristics that are opposed to the usual stereotypical macho male behaviour.
2. Someone who lacks strength, stamina, courage or conviction.
3. A weak and stupid person.

I’m not exactly sure about the last two definitions, but the first one seems appropriate…and yeh, part of me feels weak, stupid, lacking strength.  Where is the courage when the conviction is right here already.  Why not take the risk?

“Risk nothing, gain nothing.  Risk everything, gain everything.”  I dont know if any of this applies, but part of it sounds true.

~sighs~ I don’t know what happened, only that I spent my Thursday evening hanging out with my sister downtown…a very enjoyable evening, but by the time I got home, it was already relatively lately.  The window had closed, now the door too.  I guess I could have made the call while I was still downtown, but it just seemed the stars were not aligned for such to happened; the timing did not seem right.  And tonite, I considered dialing, but such did not happen either… Part of me still feels powerless, inable to affect the situation and the outcome, unable to control my life.  The drivers seat I am not in, but somehow again I’ve been put in the passenger seat, where where I go and wen I get there is not up to me.

Ahhh, maybe I am just thinking too much.  I’m trying to take it slow, this life of mine.  There is no hurry, except that just starring at the clock on my cell with time passing by…it’s telling me that every second, every minute, hour, and day that passes–I am not just getting older, but the time I’ve been graced with is fading away like vapour.  I swallow hard, gulp, and try to grasp how to live out what Paul meant by “making the most out of every opportunity because the days are evil.”

[The below quote is courtesy of Magdalene...thanx]

I’m struggling and it hurts.
Trying not to think too much,
or else I’ll assume the worst of things.
It’s been hard to not think of you,
the thoughts of you simply bring a smile upon my face.

Maybe I’m desperate to see you,
I always see your face in my dreams.
But I’m not sure of my feelings,
this whole thing is one-sided, way too much.

My heart aches when I hear a name of another guy.
It aches when i can’t see you,
when we used to chill together.
It aches when I don’t hear from you.
All I know is that this aint doing me any good.

Just too crazy about you,
I don’t know how much longer I could hold on.
I tell myself, “forget it, she doesn’t like you”,
But I end up reaching for the phone,
though I’ve held back from pressing ‘call’.

I am glad everytime I see you,
I don’t know how much of this I can take.
So I’m slowly trying to pursue you
because I highly doubt that you will.