Colossians 1:9-14

If not now, when?  I’ve had trouble sleeping these past days…I just end up not…staying up real late/early doing God only knows what..surfing, watching some tv, watching/listening to old Passion Conference messages.  I guess i’m just avoiding dealing with it.  School’s started, things are going back on track, and I want to excel, but still i feel like there’s a black hole within me that is sucking the life out of me.  I know what it is…and i know why it literally sucks everything out of me & keeps me up early in the morning. It’s just…not dealt with, and i guess that is what bothers me.

What i think it is… is fear.  i’m scared to death right now.  i feel like my mind is just going krazy… not good crazy, but krazy stupid. like my mind is losing it, memory slips away, the faintest of all images are fading, and i do not know how to get it back, or even if such is possible.  the picture is lost, the image is vanishing from my mind…and like all my life of the past year flashes before me.  I’m lost and losing my way, in need of a rescuer, in need of a saviour. and only One can rescue and save me.

If not now, when?  what is holding me back from living?  the big part of it is the hurt and scaring I still carry.  I think i’ve barely recovered, but God knows i do want to.  i just want to move on with my life, and live.  i don’t want to be selfish in this and just be doing this for my own needs and fulfillment; nor do i want to be inconsiderate of her.  she deserves more than that.  she’s hurting from the loss of a close ‘friend’ also… i want to be fair to her and her feelings, where she is in life.  i only wish that she knew, which would make this whole process all the much easier.  where is she, and what she’s doing i do not know.  how she’s been i dont know.  but thankfully, this image is clearer.  this thing we have has been like an anchor in my life, keeping me from slipping and floating away out into the vast ocean of life.  i just want stability, devotion, undying passion.  i just want to live.

-

I’m sure we’ve all experienced what it’s like to have large amounts of time and space seperating us between our loved ones, friends or relatives/family members in distant places. It’s hard not to have that physical contact and direct voice of assurance that they are there for us.  At times, i get fairly discouraged without it–i’m a person who thrives on one-on-one communication, and if really not possible, over-the-phone talking.  Technology these days, has made it so easy to make the seperation by a million km’s feel like nothing. But Paul didn’t have what we have now; he never even met the Colossians (if i’m not mistaken; only Epaphras did). 

But still, Paul PRAYED for them–even while in jail.  He cared emmensely for his brothers and sisters in Colossae that they would sow seeds deep into the Word of God, and so be strengthened with HIS power to endure all the spiritual warfare & false teachings they were experiencing; He reminds them to keep the faith coz they have already been redeemed!

I remember reading this with my now ex-girlfriend when we first started doing a devo on Colossians together. … ..  I still see her like every week, I pass by her at school, see her at smallgroups, fellowship.  It hurts since she’s shared such a big part of my journey.  But apparently, circumstances has it that I can’t talk to her much or see her much anymore; our friendship is no longer what it was before no matter how much i want it to be / or even try. the physical distances don’t really seperate us, but still it feels like a billion kms.  i hear about her struggles and how much she’s grown recently, thru our mutual friends, or thru her blog..but it’s not the same.  I stillcare about her, in as much of a phileo & agape way as i know how, but i can only pray for her–and in this, I will never ever cease–our reconciliation, for His glory.  In our relationship not working out, I think I’ve come to realize that yeah, I wasn’t strong enuf, she wasn’t strong enuf–life turned, satan tempted us, i failed her, she failed me, it didn’t work out. We hadnt sowed that seed of the Word deep enuf into our minds & our hearts got hurt also as a result.  And so PRAYER: it’s the only thing I know how to do, and the fruit of this, the harvest of being rooted in His TRUTH, God only knows I guess…but I know God is faithful and will reconcile us soon.

I just pray and hope also, that she is praying for me.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Alex Leung
http://www.sixsteps.org