Passion06 Day 3: Reverent PARTY!!

I am really unsure what to say.  it’s 3:31am Central time, and i totally don’t feel tired tired. i don’t know, maybe i’m just processing.

Today, this afternoon, tonite.. maybe i’ll keep this short and sweet…but what’s been on my mind is, “You are forgiven.”  i’m still processing the truth in all that–the Cross & the Blood of Christ shed for me–and how that deserves a reverent party.  …but here it is: do i really believe that..?!?  do i truly live that.  do i forgive myself.  coz what feels like there is here within, is some self intolerance, self unforgiveness even though i am forgiven.  maybe it is just that, i just feel…experience unforgiveness upon myself, coz of myself–not forgiving myself, not accepting myself.   just as i am, in spite of and despite of all my inadequacies.  God does, and so much more but do i?  Jumping jumping, why didn’t i jump jump jump jump…and what’s i’ve been trying to understand is my reason for this.  i mean, i feel and know it to be true, the salvation and forgiveness and life there is…but i just don’t understand why i do not live it myself.  and why it still hurts.

some of this probably didn’t make sense, but oh well :S …. …. …..I just wish you were here and could experience all that i’ve experienced.

it’s not enough to just see so much of God, for God to reveal so much of Himself to us, and just experience it / and just see it.   it can’t be just a show. as worship, God’s revelation requires my response.  what is my response?  some times, and too often lately, the response ain’t natural or automatic.  in these past months, it just isn’t like a reflex.  i hafta choose.  and often i have chosen to “bless His name” on this road of suffering, tho at times i did not.  but what more, is that when i did choose to worship Him in and through my struggles, i was not happy about the suffering and the need of such to glorify God.  like Piper talked about this morning, i’ve been struggling so much with finding joy and happiness in all this.  and when i’m deep-down not happy about it, it really defeats the actual worship in it.  and basically, it’s very well ended up as being sin instead of an offering of praise to the Father.

anywayz, don’t think i can articulate anything more.  confused a bit here, and really just trying to understand why you and I have not embraced surrender.  i think it has a lot to do with what i said earlier, that we just havent been rooted deep into the Word of God yet..

tafn.  the last few hours of Passion06; it all ends tmr after the Main Session.  it’s just weird that i don’t feel all “awww it’s all gonna be over soo soon”… i just am in anticipation of what God has to say to me, to us during the worship time, during the talk.  kinda feels like it’s just another step forward in the journey.